mon 2 feb 2026
i walked home hoping to cry. i stopped in the park and sat under a young fig tree that shaded me. under the young fig tree in my school uniform i put my legs up, tied my hair back, and after four attempts, successfully lit my cigarette with a match. the world has a buzzing, day in day out. under this young fig tree, doing a breathing technique, watching the world around me, it was calm and natural to think of myself as part of the noise. most of the time my thoughts are unnatural. i know that i am an intense sort of person. i don’t know how not to interrupt other people’s lives. i don’t like to keep others comfortable and happy for their sake. i don’t like to keep others. if i do, i keep them on their toes, painfully close to me and then not at all
mon 26 jan 2026
from the day that i was born i began to consume terrible media. of course without realising it, although i have a good memory of being six and sitting with my head and ipad under a rug to watch my youtube video, i was cross-legged, of two women holding up barbie dolls to the backdrop of a pink palace, putting on their voices like the barbies themselves and roleplaying. i was caught by my dad who pulled the rug off my head and said, “why do you need to hide? are you embarrassed of what you’re watching?” and i nodded my head yes but that wasn’t the reason at all. at least i don’t think it was. he didn’t bother me after that
i must have slept so well as a baby, and for so many hours, so deeply, that ever since then i haven’t needed to. never again. babies are supposed to cry and protest and i did none of that, i stayed very calm after the first bout of screaming and the next, i never did it again and i stayed very calm all my life afterward, but couldn’t sleep. that was the one difference