January & February, 2024

leap year day, i listened to bjork's vespertine album until i started to think in her accent

february 29th, 2024

i pulled an all-nighter last night, but fell asleep at 6am when my dad got up to get ready for the gym. got up at 7:30, felt like death then iced my face and magically felt all better. but i honestly didn't feel like i functioned today as if i was running on an hour of sleep; i felt productive and upright. i was very good and did all the right things and felt totally normal, but not like how i felt normal yesterday. yesterday i was an interesting and deep low-life teen with substance abuse issues, and today i have been a type a student who actually has more going on underneath that you would think. i went to all of my classes first of all, and got approved for everything. i also really noticed that i try hard, and i'm a mostly good student. i looked up and around a few times during my classes to see that everyone else was playing games or doing something unrelated, and i was doing the thing without even really thinking about it. i was extremely happy with myself, because i am meant to be the kid who doesn't pay attention and has poor time management and out-of-whack priorities, but instead i was the opposite. i very much idolised who i was today. after school i went to [redacted]'s house and made noodles, and tried to take a nap because of my all-nighter hitting me. i knew i was going to sleep good. but i didn't end up taking a nap, and instead [redacted]'s little brother came in and we watched despicable me

theo picked me up and i felt as if everything was a blur for the rest of the evening. we got mcdonald's and i bought myself a thickshake for the first time in a while. it tastes different from when it tasted as a kid. i just finished journaling and my tealight candles just finished burning out so i guess this is the end of the day. i am going to shut my laptop and become acutely aware that february 29th won't come around again until i'm nineteen years old

haircarebear, vaseline, sour cherry cordial, elastoplast

february 28th, 2024

i had my call about exchange this morning, and just finished filling out my pre-application. it looks like it's really going to happen. i hope i am able to leave in august and come back before the end of the year; i would like to be home for christmas. right now i am sitting at my kitchen bench with hair skin nails gummies (peach flavour) and vaseline intensive care; healthy hands, stronger nails. today i missed the beginning of maths so i could smoke in the park with [redacted] and [redacted]. it felt like being a real teenager compared to digital dopamine. [redacted] said it's the kind of thing teenagers in the 80s did. i went to maths and revised trig ratios. in the lesson i thought i was being really smart but as soon as i left all the information left me like i hadn't even learnt a thing. at lunch [redacted] and i went on a walk and i stole her sunglasses for the afternoon. i just wanted to sit somewhere but i'm actually glad she took me out. we saw [redacted] on the way out and he said after that we "looked like two besties" and "we made him feel very lonely", which is crazy because nothing would have made me think that as we passed him. mum also drove me in today so she got me a coffee from frank's, a dirty chai but i could not taste a bit of chai. [redacted] says i look really well. i was feeling silly from the cigarette and we frolicked around the second oval off school property. i went to french and ate my jalepino and cheese bagel, and [redacted] gave me a lolly, because he hides them in his laptop bag. we played "slap". i don't know why. [redacted] works in mysterious ways. then she showed us different movies in french, but it was really just an excuse to show us her favourite movies. my last lesson was science, and when at the end of the hallway i went to get my bag, [redacted] said goodbye to me, and instinctively i blew her a kiss, even though i haven't spoken to her properly in more than a year. instead of it being condescending, i think she thought i was insanely cool, and that was my signature "goodbye" signal or something. i will take it

at the end of the day mum picked me up again, because it was way too hot to walk, and we went to the chiropractor. then to bunnings. i wrote this piece of dialogue poetry about god, as i like to do, and argued online with a girl about whether or not the old testament includes verses which support / normalise slavery. i think i won. i drank a banana smoothie at home and worked on the formatting for my blog the rest of the afternoon, then i put in my pre-application, and i was going to do my french homework, but i think it's all a bit much. anyway. today was good; i felt normal and teenager-ish and not too digitally involved that i at any point lost my will to live. in fact i've gained more reasons to live today than i have lost; maybe that is why i feel how i do

what was i about to think, just before i thought "what am i thinking?"

february 27th, 2024

i cry like a sad kid when i don't get the things i want. when what i set out to do is defeated under my own foot, and then i blame other people for the mess they make of me. i think this is just an observation. i have been listening to "stop" by the spice girls, and bjork's vespertine album on repeat all day. i don't know, but the combination of them both is palatable to the ears. i went to every class today, and was marked approved for them all. i felt pressure to make up for yesterday. [redacted], [redacted], and i have decided we need to make a third place, so we looked around at lunch but found nothing suitable. we're going to keep looking. after school i went to norwood with mum and she picked up her new glasses, and we went to an op-shop at the end of the road so i could get some work shirts, but i ended up with a nice silky shirt which i'm wearing now, and a nice blue vintage dress from london. i wish i felt competent to do something new, but i think i'm going to write all afternoon and drink a bottle of soda water

passe du temps a me blesser

february 26th, 2024

i missed french this morning for therapy and it ruined my day. i left therapy feeling gross and not like myself, and honestly like the whole world was against me. when i got to school i found [redacted] and told her i was sorry for missing her class, and gave her a hug. she told me she'd come to take me on a walk later in the day so i went to pod and waited, but forgot, and she didn't come anyway. pod was the only lesson i went to today. after lunch i went straight to well-being and filled page after page of just words, like the first word that came to mind as i wrote it down, so i'd not think about anything else. then after i talked to my counsellor, and delivered to her my stream of consciousness. by then i was out-talked and deflated and ready to do anything else. so mum picked me up and i crawled into bed, called [redacted], hung up, cried for half an hour and tried to think of why i was so crumbly and weird-feeling. i decided i needed to clean my room, so i wrote in my journal and got up, put things on my floor away, took the dogs out, and helped mum with dinner. i don't know why today was so shit, but i took a shower, and i feel a little bit better. i have a pimple on the left side of my chin; it's red and sore, and i'm ready for bed even when i know i won't sleep

sunday night tears

february 25th, 2024

it's full moon and i've been crying for an hour while reading the rant journal i kept during the hardest months of last year. it is upsetting only because i believed what i wrote and i still partly do, and maybe i wrote it with the hope it would make it just another literary lie. i am going to miss my only good class in the morning tomorrow so i can go to therapy for the first time in motnhs. [redacted] is not okay and i need to talk to her at school so i can sit by her and let her put her head in my lap and so i can tell her that i have been thinking about her. all is not forgiven but i try for it. a lot i believed i was sad because i preferred it that way, but i also think i was cornered into it. what other people gave me i took like i was starved; maybe i was and maybe all they gave me was the possibility of comfort. only sad children can be comforted like that and i was. a sad child. so i did. get comfort. i'm listening to total control by the motels. and i would. sell my soul for total control

dish pig dream

february 24th, 2024

i started work today. i've worked in [redacted]'s cafe but only non-professionally, really all i do when i go in is polish cutlery, butter bread, put muffins in the display fridge and chat. this is a real job though. it was meant to be a trial but [redacted] wanted me to stay for longer, so i had two hours of trial and three hours of work, from 11-4. i was so tired after. i had a glass of juice and two glasses of water and sat at the table with my holan poems book and pencil, and i went through it. my favourite one from today was "To the Enemy"

then i got ready to go out to this gig [redacted] took me to. it was at this little bar in the city with forty-year-old goths and i had a really good time. the band seemed okay but the atmosphere was what sold it. everybody was minding their own business and there was nothing to complain about. after she bought an iced tea and i sat with her in china town and we talked about what we think about each other. i carried rose quartz on me, the piece which is sharp as a blade and rough and my brother found it when he used to go rock-searching as a very little kid. i think it made my evening a lot more full of love than it otherwise could have been. i felt heightened awareness the entire outing, but it wasn't bad or icky. it just was. i am working again tomorrow morning, hopefully only until early afternoon. i want to go home for lunch. i also want to buy new candles and clean my room, but instead i need to start researching about superfunds and finish my maths homework

i cant listen to julia jacklin without crying

february 23rd, 2024

got bored in french and drew funny things all over my hands and ignore tenderness has been on loop. i'm at [redacted]'s house trying to get myself together before i spend the weekend at home. i've been doing homework. nothing is particularly interesting to note about today but still i want to talk about it because i felt not so bad today, and i feel like that's noteworthy enough. any day which doesn't make me feel like hurdling head first into a brick wall is a day worthy enough to speak about. our english sub today looked like she was on her last leg. i felt sorry for her. i had maths and might send my teacher an email to tell him his lesson was helpful, because i hadn't been in a while and he didn't pull me aside or anything, and i learnt a lot, plus didn't feel insufferable by the end. skipped class after and went to get slushies with [redacted]. she sent me an album which i just listened to, and thought was pretty good and very her. in lunch [redacted] and [redacted] and i sat in an empty classroom and talked about assembling a group of interesting people / starting a girl group cult made up solely of people who have some level of intellect. we got to about six or seven people, including us. lunch was good but i wanted to lie down and take my shoes off in the dark and hear myself sigh. i had french after. [redacted] seemed off. the whole thing is hard to think about. it needs to be fixed. [redacted] sat in that class with me though, and every time she looked at me i smiled with my teeth. i had pod after and started on the art that i just finished. art is my most homework-heavy subject, which seems very wrong to me, but i am in no way complaining. i felt very purposeful today and am afraid i didn't do enough with it. i got tired post-lunch and wanted to belong to a group of seagulls. i thought about it all afternoon actually

if i stare long enough i can always make a face in the wall

february 22nd, 2024

i've spent all of today apologising to myself subconsciously and walking through the hallway like i am carrying a load. i am saying things wrong too. i think i have something to say and by the time it comes out it just sounds incoherant and unimportant and i should have just not opened my mouth at all. i did things right yesterday. i just listened to people talk and i had a good time doing that. but i got it wrong today which sometimes happens but it made me feel worse than normal. i can't tell if i'm not making sense on purpose or if everyone else is just crazy, because my turn of phrases are becoming so excessively misunderstood that it can't just be that i am accidentally not making sense. i think everyone else is crazy because that's easier than fixing the way i've been talking about things my whole life. my mum picked me up from school today and i told her, as a bus passed us, that i have a weird desire to be on public transport for that feeling of travelling without control, and my mum took it that i never wanted to be in a car with her again. i did not speak for the rest of the drive

coffee shop wednesday catharsis

february 21st, 2024

coffee in the morning and at lunch today, but have been off caffeine so had a hot chocolate and juice instead. talked to [redacted] at recess and nearly cried, went to well-being so i could but found [redacted] there. she cried, i didn't. it was warm today and i sweated more than normal, also thought about things with great difficulty. i needed to be in bed all day. lessons were fine, only four. the day was not tiring, still i'm going to listen to rain noises and shut my eyes now

post concert amnesia

february 20th, 2024

partly i feel melbourne inertia but it is mostly the withdrawal from mundane and consistent life i feel longing for. i am upset about coming home with new ideas because i feel as though they are not fleshed out enough to be examined, i have not lived them or felt them and they fly through me at a rapid pace. as though i am watching the knowledge i've gained drift off into the distance and i do not even bother reaching for it. i had this strong sensation when i came back from asia last month but with my habits. i seemed to be actively aware that i would come home and lose my habits and way of life i had adopted while in asia, and so when it came to it and i resumed day to day life i felt very "coming-to-terms" with it, and did not think of it much as i'd expected it. i had no anctipation or hindsight that melbourne would be so memorable and impressionable for me. it must be about how close it is to me, how it is only a day's drive away and i have spent all of today wishing i was going back. i have never really felt that before. not even in going to europe; i came back and thought yes, that's that. but this has all felt different. i am experiencing something that the chronically online community has labelled "post concert amnesia" where i cannot remember a single thing about the concert. i remember everything else but what it was like being there; i was so omni-present and focused on the lights and the sounds and the people i could not settle myself rightly

lemon pants and joan didion's migraine

february 19th, 2024

there was a red tarp hanging from the side of a big white removalist truck and it made me want to write about the way i feel about coming home. i do not feel good at all

i miss home but more so i am just wildly indifferent to it. [redacted] suggested i come and stay in melbourne again with them, and that excited me more than anything has ever excited me about adelaide. there is something about being part of a city like that which is so enticing for a young person. it is a cyclical process. melbourne is for young people - adelaide is where you go to settle down and have kids that will eventually grow up and move to melbourne. and so the cycle repeats. i am not eager to live in melbourne simply because i do not want to live in australia forever but it seems like a very understated example of the fact other more exciting places exist. i am going to look at exchange options tonight

eras tour

february 18th, 2024

when something happens to you after you've imagined or thought about it for so long (like years) you are either the kind of person who has prepared and there is a feeling of great depression and fascination and horror when the event has passed, or you are the person who has not prepared at all and has spent the entire pre-event not processing what will happen and the entire event not processing what is happening, just in total shock. then when it passes it is so moving and draining that you feel regret and complete apathy for it, and you think oh, oh, maybe i was not so present for that

this has been me with the taylor swift concert. i remember reading the secret history richard describes his time away with the other characters as “already a memory, like watching one” or something similarly profound. this entire weekend has been of a close nature

the concert was something from a different world. i still remember [redacted] telling me about what her experience was like at the reputation concert, needing to scrunch up my little girl face and nod because of how envious i was that i hadn't been there for it. taylor's reputation era of the concert last night was just radical and i felt for a moment what it would have been like seeing her perform for that concert. i dissociated my way through all too well and wailed my way through tolerate it and the 1 and every other folklore song she included. we finished the night with jam doughnuts in the city and i was reduced to muteness. we took a tram home and that was it

my body is a neap tide

february 17th, 2024

we've made it to melbourne. i've been lounging by the pool with adults and drinking and i am going to a movie tonight despite running on six hours of sleep. a saturday in melbourne is substantially different to the rest of australia's saturday's. i've never wanted a day to last longer. my eyes hurt and my brain is foggy and i've been thinking about books and girls all day and how badly i want to be good so i know i need to rest. it is officially first quarter moon; i am having the sensation of working against myself for my own benefit

lust for a vampyr

february 16th, 2024

i’m driving to the taylor swift concert with [all redacted]. i don't have the capacity to bring a laptop with me so i'll be messing up my writing routine (in which i write for hours after school until i've written one thing i'm proud of), so it's probably good for my mental health anyway. i'm bringing rose quartz (love), tiger's eye (protection), and my aventurine for channeling energy. i only ever feel the need to carefully select and then take crystals with me when i am sure i will regret not taking them, so i bring them everywhere. one day i'm going to write about the strangest spiritual experience i had while i was deep in crystal work and hyper-aware of myself in regulation with the world, but todays not the day because i still haven't worked through that

i hope they didn't know me

february 15th, 2024

today was very long. i'm nearly done with the white album by joan didion, and i started the death of ivan illyich on the way home from school. on the way home i also was beeped at by some guy in a white car because in the traffic i crossed the road by navigating my way through one single row of unmoving cars, so he thought it was appropriate to beep me and i flipped him off. i've been feeling very blunt and unserious for about a week

i hope for my sanity whoever it was in the car doesn't know me because i didn't see their face that well and it was for my well-being that i showed them who was boss

i'm on the brink of a headache again and i'm just going to write and read for the rest of the afternoon so i don't combust from what didn't happen to me today. i wish staring at my ceiling was an act of productivity and self-compassion but instead it is an act of rebellion against all that is sitting right in front of me begging that i get up and finish it

valentine's day and i am a truant

february 14th, 2024

today was valentine's day and i am finally in love!! with the world and things in it and people in it and my person in it too. a teacher decided to have a go at me this morning and i did something i didn't know i was capable of doing, [redacted] even said in french today she didn't know i could be so sassy, and sassy because she wasn't allowed to say cunty. i don't like it when adults demand immediate respect from you because you are not done fully forming. i had a lot of fun being an intellect today and finding the whole debacle funny rather than serious, which the other girls did. [redacted] is just a person who felt personally attacked by us, and then made a mistake by personally attacking me. i seriously become a person i do not know when someone makes me feel like i cannot breathe or be or sit comfortably with them in the room i become a teenager. now i am going to write a sad love letter and submit something of average quality for a writer's competition my school is doing so i can say that i did it. i was very happy about today. i got to say i miss you to someone i love and i got to hear them say it back

phenomenon where you manifest a headache by thinking about how lucky you are that you don't have one right now

february 13th, 2024

went to bed at 9 and i'm still tired. i had a dream about adopting two cats (both were so small they could fit into the palm of each hand) and i got very paranoid about losing both of them the entire dream; one i called leah, she was the extra small one i thought would definitely not live and i would stand on or squish or my dog would snack on, but she did make it and looked a bit like a sheep dog by the end of the dream, and the other i never made a name for. i took melatonin last night so i felt unconsciously awake for about an hour before i finally did go to sleep

i am so not myself right now and i can't explain it. it's partly to do with school i guess and becoming your environment but i'm also just the most tired and uncultured i've been in a while. i have no desire to watch movies or read the news or even read books. i've been over-consuming for so long it feels wrong to only be creating maybe

monday made a mess of me

february 12th, 2024

i left my laptop in my locker at school today so mum drove me back. i was already miserable because i woke up at 6:30 and french made me TIRED; i already felt burnt out by lesson 2. when i got my laptop at 4pm, a teacher i don't know that well smiled at me (he was holding a phone to his ear) and i smiled back, he said "hello" x2, i thought into the phone, but apparently directing it at me. by his third "hello!?" which was not nice and it sounded like he was being cruel and i was being an idiot, i turned around, and he said word-for-word "when someone says hello to you, polite peoeple normally say hello back". i said "oh, sorry" and lost my shit when i walked down the staircase. full-blown sobbing. got into the car. drove home. i wanted to throw something at his head so instead i drank a cup of the tea my mum got me for christmas and wrote two pages in my journal instead of just one. i am going to bed early tonight so that i can dream about throwing something at his head

i did nothing

february 11th, 2024

i lay in bed and did fuck all today, but wrote something not half-bad and dwelled on myself while i stood at the kitchen cabinet i have opened probably more times than i have showered in my entire life, and i thought about that too

and what will i do about it

february 10th, 2024

i have made a tremendous effort today, and yet done so little in retrospect. i've moved mountains and i'm writing this in bed

[redacted] who i like a lot and met while i was drunk at a halloween party went op-shopping with me today! i found a thin black shirt which reads "bat-cat" on it, and has an image of a cat as batman, and underneath that image is small writing that says "never before has a combination been more untouchable..." which is dramatic and hilarious, and i bought a nice red see-through blouse which i will never find anything to wear underneath with, so probably will never wear. i made bad pizza this morning and ate passionfruit yoghurt with granola and honey. when i came home i wrote my collage reflection for art and finished off my folio which i thought i'd finished but upon looking at the rubrick found i had absolutely none of the content i needed, so i took an hour and a half to finish the assignment when i should've taken only half an hour. then i journalled and put up the posters which fell down from my wall a month ago, and now i am here. this all feels like nothing when i write it down, but it is a lot. i need to tell myself all the time that it is a lot. it is a lot and i have a lot to do not about everything not about nothing, and i successfully navigated arranging public transport home today from the city. it is a lot

iloveyou i love you iloveyou

february 9th, 2024

thank god for poetry and i love you's and nice crisp cinemas and thank god there is nothing to write that i haven't already said to you

edinburgh university

february 8th, 2024

so! i started looking at my list of universities today which i've been putting off mostly because i haven't really cared enough before and most of the time i get upset because i can never find anything on those websites. but today was the day and i liked edinburgh university substantially more than every other. so far it has been the only university of the dozen or so total i've looked at that i've been able to imagine myself going to and not just passively. i need to watch more videos and read more about their international students program, but it is nice to have a goal

i felt really bad when i came home from school and cried in bed; rory licked off all my mascara and i knew she knew what was wrong was that there was nothing wrong but that i just felt sad. i got over it (i journalled twice within the same hour) and i made tacos for dinner just for my dad and i which was nice. i listened to elliott smith while i cooked. at lunch today everyone was irritating me so i didn't participate in sitting on the oval and complaining and i just went to the library instead. i picked up the little prince because someone finally returned it after three or four months; i cried a little because of where i was and why i was and i rubbed my eyes until they were so sore and red that in my next class the cool relief teacher asked if i had been smoking pot. i had a really nice day

i have glasses and i did things!

february 7th, 2024

guess who sent in a resume today to work at a very nice very nearby cafe! it is a dream job, especially if they will have me working mornings before school. i hope it works out, it feels way too perfect to actually go my way for once but i thought the same about the rest of my life and that worked out enough that i've agreed to participating in it. [redacted] and i had coffee and i won't say anything else because she's too sacred to speak about. french is my favourite lesson, [redacted] makes me feel like i am the kind of type A student that flies by school and never has a single problem; her class is so stimulating that my little neurodivergent brain can't not squeal with joy when i have that class. it's a different kind of excitement remembering that at my core i love to learn, i just have spent a lot of school thinking i couldn't learn at all. french reminds me that's not true.

and i got glasses today! it was a very productive and satiating after-school, which is never true for me so i am very excited about it. normally i stay at home in bed and lay there paralysed just looking around my room at my things and thinking "what the fuck" so i have a wonderfult time when that's not the case. i get my lenses next week to help me focus when i change from looking up-close to far away because the eye lady says i "have a bit of lag" between those two things and it is why i have been getting headaches. i don't think that last part is true but i'll take that answer over something else more serious that can't be solved with a glasses perscription

disappointed

february 6th, 2024

i hate when people don't meet my expectations and i hate that i never do

i wish i could feel myself compartmentalizing what i need to because that way i might feel like my brain is doing something besides just rotting and making a buzzing noise or flickering on and off like a bad light bulb. or a busted electrical circuit. nothing i learn is being retained and i feel delusional. i feel absolutely deflated of everything real, like i am staring at myself staring at myself when i am not and i know i am not. i feel dysfunctional. why do i never carry through with any goal i set myself and i do NOT want anyone to answer that

sad sad sad but not at all really

february 5th, 2024

i am writing this in the park i decided to stop because when i walked the dead grass kicked up under my heels and i was listening to a song i listened to when i was twelve when i was sad and twelve so i felt very sad - too sad to walk and too sad about the dead blades of grass flying off and landing on the concrete path and at least if i hadn't walked they'd be dead in the green but now they are and on the sidewalk! like litter. so now i am on the bench looking at the grass graveyard and my vision is funny because i need to get my eyes tested. everything's been a little too blurry since i got sick, like a hologram; i had to kick my dog's ball this morning to make sure it wasn't one dimensional. i don't believe myself when i tell the truth

winter come back

february 4th, 2024

i spend the entire week waiting for sunday evening to hit and for that helplessness and spiralling to begin. i'm going to be at school in less than twelve hours and i haven't done a single thing i said i would this weekend. so sunday evening i try and do it all and i read and write what i haven't written and try and get myself to fill up some empty space but it always reminds me of new year inescapability syndrome; the last hour of new years eve, knowing the new year is encroaching and in your last hour before it hits you feel you must clean your entire house and make some memories or look back at some so you don't feel completely tiny and helpless when new years does come. sunday evening is that but just a little less in your face

living in australia means i should love summer but i hate it. i am not a people person and i don't like hanging around at the beach and feeling my face burn off and wanting to cry but not being able to because you are going to the cool hippy beach store and must spend forty dollars on a bikini you're never going to wear just so the other girls you're with will tell you how very cute it is. i know i don't need to spend summer like that but i do anyway and it feels like the only option, so i just wait for winter when summer comes. i read indoors and have my tea iced instead of scalding hot. i like winter a lot. i don't like being cold but i like the option of being warm. i like my fireplace a lot and staying in bed and i kind of like seeing everyone miserable because they can't go to the beach

but when it's summer it feels like there's nothing to make me feel better, because in winter when i feel bad i get in bed with my tea and watch a comfort movie in my brother's too-big hoodie and i listen to rain at night and walk my dog in pyjamas and go and get coffee around the corner. in summer i feel like a lonely asshole. but then i remember i can wash my sheets and write about how much i hate the weather (poets take notes) and turn my fan on full blast and eat very ripe sweet fruit and then i'm good again, but i forget i can be good again even when the weather isn't

i'm growing mold on my brain

february 3rd, 2024

i don't like the way my blog looks. [redacted] and i are going out to dinner tonight and i'm desperate for a slushy and a nice poem i'm proud of writing. all i've written lately has been repetitive alliteration nonsense and same old same old feeling. have to do french homework and i feel like my brain is rotting which isn't a nice combination. the listening exercise is like i'm banging at my brain with my left fist and trying to get it to work. i'm sick of living here and sick of lying about things that i forget about. i should really wash my hair today but i'm not going to. my fingers on the keyboard feel all icky and i haven't read anything for days

you woke me up but i found myself mutilated

february 2nd, 2024

mum woke me up today and i took rory out. she looks like a strange fluffy bird when she has a hair cut. i had a strange dream last night where i realised i had made strange jagged cuts in my flesh many years ago, and was able to peel off the skin like string cheese, and i walked around school doing that, and everybody kept asking me if i was okay but i was too embarrassed to say that i was making it worse by peeling

i'm staying at [redacted]'s house this weekend 'cause my parents are going to the beach-house to take care of the garden. it's apparently overgrown. it's also finally occurred to me just how much money i am going to need to save and be decisive with in order to not be in a job that makes me want to kill myself. i had to pay two hundred dollars today so that my blog stays up. it's ridiculous. i wonder where that money even went. i'll never know, but it's not in my account anymore and that's all that matters, but it's not like i spent it on a quilt i liked. i want to write and not feel pointless about it

the school is going to let me do more leadership stuff i think, because i asked and i don't want to be bored this year. i told a girl in class that i want this year to be easy but not boring, so i am just going to have to find different ways of challenging myself. in the past i haven't been good at that. i'm good at lying in bed and typing like i am now. but that's all going to change. just you see

the horror is that there is no horror

february 1st, 2024

classes today were fine if anything a little boring. i wish i liked people more. i have my job interview for the nice old local cinema in three hours so i'm going to do homework and shower and drink tea and try not to cry. it's not like i have any reason to cry today which kind of makes the whole thing worse honestly. i don't want to ask for a reason to cry but when the feeling is there and i have no reason to, i invent reasons and that simply intensifies my melt-down rather than justifies it.

everything's a real shame is how today feels, but that's not true. everything's real alright is actually how it is. [redacted] once gave me the book prozacnation to read and there is a line in the book "the horror is that there is no horror" today the unfortunate thing is that there is no unfortunate thing. except for all the old ones. and they're all too exhausted for me to think about them again

i wonder what i'll decide to do when i finish writing this sentence and i will only ever know the answer! i will forget it too

all new classes today and a fat headache

january 31st, 2024

today was better i think. i met [redacted] for coffee and we went to french. i got a mocha. i met [redacted] at lunch and we went out for our coffee date but our shop was closed! is it annoying to write [redacted] for every person? i don't know. i will figure it out. the shop opens tomorrow again but has been closed for two months. quite annoying. just our luck! i got an iced tea from our gas station instead and we walked back. i felt fine. i went to creative arts. my teacher has bangs. it's really novel. she wears red lipstick and white shirts. i think art is a good idea for me, but the girls across the table from me are loud and all good friends, and i sit by myself. otherwise i don't mind it. i forgot to eat my lunch today because of [redacted] and i leaving school and decided to quickly scoff it when i got home. eating at school is unusually hard, even beyond the appetite suppressants! it's not fit into social activity here at school. nobody stands around talking and eating their lunch. people walk around, go and watch footsal, use their hands. they do not eat lunch. food is just a last priority. we went to the op-shop after school and i found some pyjama shorts, which i'm wearing now

survived my first day and bought juice boxes

january 30th, 2024

school makes me feel like i am an alien and it's not that i really mind but wouldn't you like to feel like you were treated as a human being

i've gotten better though so no one can tell me what i am and what i'm not because i'm less like a forgotten void these days than the others. anyway i like my science teacher a lot. [redacted] told me about him and i didn't quite expect he'd be just as she described, but he is and he doesn't treat the kids in his class like aliens or like we're stupid because we chose to be in the stupid-level science class. and i saw [redacted] today. i heard her voice down the hall, dropped my headphones and ran like a hound; she gave me a big fat hug and ugh! i missed her a lot these holidays. she is a best friend to me and i miss her when i don't see her. i also found [redacted] at lunch and jumped into her arms like i hadn't see her in months but i'd seen her a few days before. i always miss her, though.

probably need to walk the dog now and make some food now and turn off my music now. i really hope tomorrow's classes are fine, too. i might meet a girl in my mentor group for coffee in the morning. i hope she sends me a message

i'm still going to

january 29th, 2024

i start year ten tomorrow and i just realised my fairy lights are on the wrong setting so let me change that

i know i survived last year so i can do things nobody else can but i still really don't want to go tomorrow. last year i realised if you do anything enough times it becomes normal to you, and skipping class or going to student services every lunch-time is the same. like nobody really ended up caring in the end about what i was doing. i know what works for me better than anybody else does, and i just got sick of everyone thinking i didn't. still i'm nervous and i don't like anyone i go to school with. nobody likes anyone they're friends with they just haven't realised it yet. i'd rather not talk to anyone than make them feel like i like them. i'm still going to wear the wrong shoes even though the school's sent me ten thousand and fourteen emails about it. and i'm still going to wear my mum's necklace even though they'll make me take it off the moment they see it and i'm still going to go even though i don't want to.

no one asked for this, but here it is anyway

january 28th, 2024

i think i've created this because i'm worried about everything that's piling up everywhere. because every now and then i write something i think is okay and a few days later i think to myself it is worth nothing to me anymore, and then long after i've deleted it or hidden it or posted it on an internet crevace where it will never be seen by anyone, i want to see it again. because i am sentimental but because i hate letting myself have things that don't give me immediate satisfaction, because i am an internet-user. i feel petulant and child-like because nobody will take my work even though i am sure it is some of the best i've ever written. because i wanted something to do with my sunday night, and i don't ever really want to [not again] look up and have nothing to remind myself of myself. just to be a person who has been sitting at their fireplace for fifteen minutes and who does not like the clothes they're wearing and i promise to be okay with all that just as long as i have a half-functional internet forum too

today i feel like the luckiest unlucky girl in the universe and i can't write anything because i've been trying to code this website all day and i have a head-ache. goodnight