May & June, 2024

a picture of me

june 30th, 2024

studied at [redacted]’s house today and she had a mental breakdown about maths in her parents’ room. i ended up with [redacted] watching half an episode of criminal minds before my mum came to get me from across the street. she stroked my hair, and it felt very safe. but i am hopeless again now. because of thursday and because of how much time i am spending on the floor, lying there, thinking. i am starting to pray! also because i know no matter what, i will not do so great in the maths exam as i ought to do, especially based on how excessively i study for it. it knows i am not confident. it? i don’t know. that thing that decides how well you do. the collection of intuition, memory, moment. you know. i have never been assured about my own ability to perform in maths, or logic’s ability to prevail in general. this is not my subject; it does not align with my view on anything. i cannot make it fit right into my brain like i can all the stupid non-sensical things

and before, when i called [redacted], i had a sense that she did not understand me. i always hate that feeling. that opposite-of-desire feeling. it only takes a moment for me to reason with somebody’s own dislike of me, but my own dislike? well, i cannot, and the tables turn so effortlessly when the eyes are right in front of my seat at dinner, gnawing at you. how could you not point it out to yourself, shut down there, and think, oh, what is so wrong with me? what makes you stare like that? because it is not a nice stare. it is the kind that you think about all night. i cannot handle giving myself that own stare. i cannot spend my life as myself if i do not look with love, but god is it trying times of late. god, sometimes do i think i am hateful to all and sensitive to all but especially to my own body, my own wishes, my own kin. i am very certain i one day could grow beautiful exotic gardens with all this disgust and confusion for my mothering toward feelings, nurturing of ugliness, all this wonderful musing about the world — but i know for sure i could cause horrible outbreaks, disease and wreak wildfire, all upon them afterward. already i am there, too. seated like i could kill. i am posed pretty for something much too weak already to hold but a memory, and that is all i’m after anyway; a picture of me

stop visiting the graveyard

june 29th, 2024

we went to the big op-shops today. i bought great new sometimes expensive clothes and i nearly cried in the car-ride home, but i thought about that and decided it was too silly. even when i was thinking about the letter, and what i wrote in it, and how i don’t know if she’ll speak to me again. i made a list of the things i need to do when i feel that way, but it was not so long at all. theo tutored me in maths for two hours in the afternoon. i nearly lost my head. i feel very down. the kind of down which reminds me of being little in primary school, when somebody would run away from you and you’d chase after them and then stop, skid on your heels, and think it was not very funny anymore. noise behind you, all around you. you are the joke they laugh at, that you pretend to understand. a great big slap in the face. i am also made up a little of the kind of sad i get when i cannot take my dogs out because it’s raining, but they don’t know that’s the reason. i promise you, i promise you; i promise you. that horrible burning-at-the-edges feeling

what name will you give me now then

june 28th, 2024

i had sex after all. i cannot help myself. i cannot help telling the truth with her! i have nothing to say about that. i walked her to school this morning after i cut her an orange. and then i bought two new journals from dymocks: one has a blue soft leather cover, like my other one, exactly the same, from flame tree journals, and the other is hard brown leather with a tree of life print. it is called tree of life artisan journal, and it has a quote beneath it by kahlil gibran: “trees are poems the earth writes upon the sky.” true enough, i say. i will not write in them until i’ve finished some of the others i have on the go right now, not including my little notebooks, but my big journals ought to be lessened before i add any more. i read over [redacted]’s french assignment once i was home. it had quite a few mistakes, which confused me. i realize am not sure what we are doing in french at all, really, as i have been doing so much at home. i decided to submit to another magazine, which i haven’t in a while. i assign so much value to that sort of thing. i never know why they don’t take me. i have decided that i will only ever submit to something when i have written something specifically for it. it hurts too much to send personal work and to have it rejected. i wrote a little bit more and i sat down on the floor to eat something. strawberry yoghurt, i think. i watched a youtube video and felt contemplative. i guess that’s it. when i look around my room i wonder if yesterday did happen at all. already i’ve forgotten so much of the why for any of it

but i have not forgotten what she said to me. that my name is less special now

drop-kick then you can panic!!

june 27th, 2024

christ, i am cruel sometimes. to myself. to others. i make myself into a freak-show in case anybody wants a ride. i could’ve sworn i was having fun. yes, i was nervous! to give her that letter. it’s end-of-term, and i’ve been stressed, but i am not rotten. not like i was today

two teachers took me out today for lunch. [redacted] was so cold. we told her she is like sunshine, but she disapproved. i told her it is just because she is cold sunshine. i talked about france. i did not give them much time to speak. [redacted] described her favorite chips, and [redacted] started crying from the description alone. i finished my hot chocolate and went to english. i felt weird. light but my bones were heavy. i sat down on the floor and knew something was coming. when [redacted] came down to see what i was doing, i broke into crying. i did not feel embarrassed, but i felt seen and that always makes me feel disgustingly awake. she took me out of the classroom and we sat down on the sky-bridge connecting the two buildings. i told her about how angry i’ve been. she told me she knows how hard i am trying. or i have been trying. she says it’s good i am letting myself feel things. i cried even harder. it’s much easier to be asleep. i left the letter on [redacted]’s desk because i knew i’d cry if i saw her, and i didn’t want it to be about me

i cried on the bus home too, because i called a couple of people, but nobody answered. i made eye-contact with a girl across the bus from me who was in my food tech class last year, and i knew she was wondering whether or not to tell her friend beside her about me. she didn’t. i got off the bus. and then i cried on my bedroom floor. i changed into my nightie and i tried to find somebody to call and ask to come over so we could fuck. i don’t know why i wanted sex. a couple of boys texted me back. i deleted my account and got into bed, and i cried there too while i listened to sylvia plath’s voice recordings. i always like to listen to her poetry readings. dad’s given me a glass of wine, and i’m waiting on dinner. i asked if [redacted] could come over, because i feel miserable still. she says she’ll be over soon. i cannot stop thinking about my english teacher’s face when i came back into the classroom. she said, “i’m sorry. that sucks”. i felt like she was kissing my forehead

almost got you

june 26th, 2024

i am sorry for how i was today. i spoke to you, as i am always hopeful will please you, but sometimes love counteracts / contradicts intention. i always know it when you need me and i was hideous today with that. i wanted to hide behind my hands when you told me you were happy. i knew it was just a display — me, anyway. when she walked in, i could feel her looking at us. i was desperate to get out of there, but also to show her something. that smile i pulled was just as yours. always fucking regulating. i am sorry for the way i spoke to your boy in the hall; the one in your class. [redacted]. he is so very polite to me, but i could not keep composure on the stairs after the fire-drill. sometimes i am just like you. sometimes i just want to ask you what i should do about that. i will not. i will not. i will simply be better; heal over. you’d want me to be better than that. i want myself to be better than that

tomorrow is my last day of semester one. upon reflection, what really have i done? except lie on the floor and write in all my journals and look back over letters? i’ve cleaned my room; my desk, put my memory boxes in order… i have been trying to be a good friend. or at least to be there, and i think i have been. we have been in front of the fire together. i have showered often; tried to grow my hair and nails. i have read not a lot but some. i have been complimented and i have felt corny and ugly and pretty. i have too many things that i haven’t done that i never will find a way to do, and i am worried [so so so worried] i am not being fast enough. i am worried i will not be chosen in the end. how can i secure my position in the order of time? how can i make sure what’s remembered? and that it is? definitely remembered? so much life and a lot of talent i had i think that will go to waste because i cannot move my hands efficiently around the void of time

i lie to you i am a liar i come to you with

june 25th, 2024

hands unclean and beg for you to take them; care of them. even in the cold. to hold them and love me even though even though even though … something. even though i haven’t been bad all day and i haven’t been good all day, but i have been just like everybody else. even then i want you to hold me and take me inside you. let me be a keep-sake, even when i exhaust you. even though … something. what is that “something” there? unnameable something. i know you feel it too. is it our empathy for each other dwindling? is it the sympathy? is it the lack-there-of? is it your bad habits becoming my good ones? we love each other's jewels! emerald in my soul! diamond of my eye! am i ruby of your hair? the sun in your skin? say something. i dream of you so often that when such horrible fantasies leave fertile ground for truth, i am sure it is my conscience compounding me. just last night i dreamt i was yours and that we belonged in the same captive embrace; that nobody had you like me. i woke feeling so strong, so willing, so much like a bitch that i smiled in the mirror at the thought of it's meaning. it's very inclination. these dreams mean something to me, [redacted]. do i come to you at every unsuspecting hour in the night too? and have you dreamed you'd say "no" to me? or maybe saying "yes" is really what you want. i think of nothing else sometimes. i come to you without thinking. i do not know what to say when you ask. because it is not a question for me. i cannot give you an answer, not because i'm stubborn, but because i do not have one. my dreams take me to you! and all of the rest away. no more [redacted], not that she ever has been. she will write you many letters but none will make you cry like mine. like my little face which holds no blame and could sit right in your palms if you let it. none like my taste for you, which could last eternal cities until you cried hard enough to let me help. finally, let me help you. let's reverse again. let's drive the car off the cliff for good this time. let's land in the water and let's let me finally be clean for you; finally able to tell you "something"

one into the other

june 24th, 2024

i want to kiss people! i want to watch them do their hair in the morning. i want to watch them when they think nobody is near. i want people. to be them and not myself for a moment. to transform and glitch back; to feel goosebumps from the cold wind in a different body. to hear the sound of my voice rising from my throat when i raise a hand in the classroom, and to find a different sound. i want to look down at different legs which shake during a panic attack. but i do not want to be somebody else. i would come back, of course! to myself. i always do. when i start having quick cold showers in the morning i have long steamy baths in the evening. i counteract change with the keep. i like myself too much to jump into somebody else’s skin completely. all i would like is to tease at it. to body-hop, if you will. conscious into one, then another, always returning home

i am no longer a therapy patient as of today, and as of today, i am totally yours! i can’t stop dreaming about you. it’s driving me sideways. i could fucking bite into you. i was going to nap, but i didn’t. i lay in bed, then on my floor and i journaled for a couple of hours while i ate dinner

i wrote something today about the future and how i do not believe in it’s name — i don’t. it’s just time in front of us. the “future” gives it a title which maddens us. i can always imagine what it looks and feels like much better when i realize it for what it is. the rest of life. there is no special period in which i will “live my future”. my future i already live, have lived, and may live. i plan for tomorrow, and i am suddenly in tomorrow and it is unimaginably beautiful because i’m in it and i know what i know before, but even more. it does loom over me with a dagger regardless but that is only one angle. my future’s already behind me and it’s such fun

inside out 2

june 23rd, 2024

i’ll be good tomorrow. bad today, good tomorrow, bad again. today i saw you again for the very first time and we showered together in our best friend’s bathroom. we looked at each other’s bodies very warmly. i did not expect anything. i was surprised but not flustered. i wanted to kiss your collar bone and no part else. i waited for my hug awkwardly and i don’t want to think about it again. i don’t want to think about it again. we sat in bed and i told you about the books i’m reading. you read from yours. i felt ugly today and beautiful too. i couldn’t explain it. i wore my hair in plaits from last night. it was nice to see you again and smell you, but i didn’t say any of the things i wanted to say, or feel any of the feelings i hoped to feel. i am not disappointed, only a little perturbed. other you; we couldn’t sleep. we went to the living room floor and knelt in front of the fire and talked like we normally do. about each other. you told me i am like a wave. i told you that i can’t find a way to sort your strings. as always, i told you i love you and i told you the truth. we saw a movie at the theatre and everybody was sick of each other; all five. you and i huddled together and gawked at the screen as though we were whispering secrets. i just liked being close to you

i will pull it together tomorrow. i’ll march to therapy. forget what i’m leaving behind. i’ll be quick. i won’t cry. i’ll be blunt and sharp and mean and a little cruel with it, too. i’ll say goodbye. the car will be silent and anxious and i will be nervous for my test and for missing my first class. therapy will make me feel bad all day. i’ll feel sorry that i am missing out on going to the beach with [redacted]. i have to. i can’t miss my test. although i know i will fail it miserably! i get the content in class, but the moment i have left the room; it dissipates! it’s like i’m always missing the great general “something” that my brain has not caught up with yet. i don’t feel like running that fast after it, anyway. i will tie my laces tighter and try hard tomorrow. get through it, like [redacted]. like she says. i won’t complain. i will not complain. not even when i’m thinking terrible thoughts with the test in front of my face, and i am racking my brain for sums that will not come. do i even own a fucking calculator? at lunch i will find out where i’m meant to be. maybe. we’ll see. i don’t really want to go to that meeting. i just want to get a seaweed sample at the cold beach with you tomorrow! is that too much? i am complaining again. and neglecting the opportunity to study for my test. i will get through lunch one way or another, and i’ll hide at the back of my science class and dread french. i will go. i will feel bad, but i will try to be good for [redacted] so she is not so sad. i have a horrible dreadful feeling

moments of sameness / ninety & teenage / what do you know?

june 22nd, 2024

by sameness i mean reciprocation. us in the car, stuffing up in the same part of the second verse to the song we once knew by heart when we were seven and seven and two months. us in my hallway, me wrapping both arms around you and saying “i missed you” in that little voice i manage so well; you hugging me back but holding me tighter, not letting go, saying nothing. us, drinking red wine, me sipping, you muttering, me; i get it, i get it. mm… mm. yes staring into the glass. us by the kitchen sink, locking eyes, me trying to understand you, you being too little, too weird, too off-putting, too distant. the ones who cling to me, who want to be me and look up with those big eyes do not have the same effect as you; you have freckles and don’t know why your parents don’t live in the same house anymore. us waiting to leave, back-and-forth, frothing over what doesn’t belong to us yet but will, and how you excite over my future success

the adults know something about the children, a certain kind of feeling, that the children might never understand. when you look at me, i try to find a bit of that. what are you seeing that i am invisible to? or that i am too much of myself? what version of me am i missing out on? that twinkle in the eyes of an adult i love reminds me that i am of great value. that even though i am not treasure, i may have something special that they know their own children do not even yet possess. that i might really be something if i try hard enough. do you know too that i want to think you think something of me? if i balance work and play and prioritize work but never favor it, am i going to do better than the rest of you all did? be the better cousin; the better one of us. the one who never comes to these because i’m doing something too big? i doubt it. what do you see? tell me what you see as i sip my wine finger the spine of the glass and run my heel up my calf and i watch your children make sure they’re not pulling my dog’s tail make sure they’re all happy they’re all looked after i’ve never done this before — i’ve never been responsible for life before. is this the thing you sacrificed for what i have that you don’t anymore? if i create something as magical as a threat to my own humanity, will i lose the magic too? the special teenage magic. the kind that makes you watch after me

that which makes you both want to baby me and mother me, but also submit to me and let me pet you?

boo! remember? you don’t. don’t worry

june 21th, 2024

i watched tv in bed this morning. i should’ve have. as i was so late that i skipped the first lesson. my bus ride wasn’t so nice either, but i listened to a podcast about nietzsche and wrote about “when was the last time i did something i would do for all of eternity?” in the sitting area near my lockers. i did think about going to art, but i was already so late. i bought sour candies instead from the otr and texted [redacted] about when she’s leaving. i reminded her how cold it is here. i can’t wait to see her. she says she is going to cry. i sat with the girls from my mentor group at lunch, and we worried about the maths test coming up on parabolas. i didn’t have anything to eat (i forgot my lunch), so [redacted] gave me her mandarin for recess. i had french, which was fun. super fun. one day you are going to know who [redacted] is! and then i can talk about her and you will make sense of her. she is the loveliest human being i’ve ever met. i wish you knew her. but i also kind of don’t. she’s too sweet to share. i made her happy and left for english. which was okay. i sent a text message to [redacted] about how i couldn’t skip the lesson with her, and i thought she replied kind of mean back. i finished some of my french in english, and then worked on my creator’s statement. my english teacher is so smart. i was very cold today, and i felt so when i was walking through the hallway at lunch; i had to go to the canteen and i jumped the line by giving [redacted] a hug and congratulating her on getting a diagnosis. then i bought [redacted] some lunch, picked up mine from my brother who delivered it at student services, and found her in the new building. we ate and i told her about the abusive relationship i bore witness to at the expo last night. i wasn’t looking for advice, but she gave it to me anyway. only because we were in front of other people

i had action project, where we were meant to reflect on the expo. i wrote about overcoming anxiety. [redacted] made us play a game for the last twenty minutes where we learnt about the names of different groups of animals. a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. i left with her, and made eye-contact with [redacted] in the hallway, who i already saw earlier. i turn into a cunt around her and i know it, only because i know she’s envious. envy or this insatiable desire to have what another person does that you never will makes me totally fucking crazy, particularly as i always feel i am on the receiving end. i have wanted people before. but not through another person. i have never met somebody so willing to admit what is so ugly. have i talked about this before? i was not in a position to take what she had told me, certainly not in a positive way. what did she expect? and now for the past six months she desperately tries to become parasocial with me (perhaps she thinks we are already), and expects it will… what? what?! oh, my god. what? anyway. i am finished. it’s no use talking about it, although i love to; it feels as if i’m getting it out. but it only makes it worse after. in maths, i realized i don’t understand anything. and i’m completely screwed for my test if i don’t find a way to do revision either tonight or this weekend. after school, mum and i bought stuff for the party tomorrow. and i made party bags for the kids and just finished taking a shower. i feel a little tired now, and i probably need to eat something. i wish i had something more exciting to tell you, but honestly i just need some rest and to write something in my journal

i want myself

june 20th, 2024

i am better now. i masturbate on my floor and think of my old poetry and self-harm scars to turn myself on. we had the action project expo after school today and i frolicked around in a skirt in the blistering cold and pretended like i had no secrets! i knew people were angry with me but i didn’t say anything. i got on with it and let [redacted] comfort and love me. i am not happy with the other love of my life. i don’t know why, which is unfair. i do know why, but that too is unfair. and mean. i wouldn’t mind being meaner at the minute. [redacted] always makes me feel like the loveliest person in the world. i wrote poetry today instead of going to art, called “dirty god”. i walked around in the cold again, and at recess i felt like i was having a good time, until i remember something that shifted me. i’ve lost it again. i waited in the morning for the bus. i was late, because i wanted to do my makeup. i felt cool. i practiced french in the morning and we were introduced to the new girls coming into our mentor group today. two are vietnamese, and the other girl is from thailand. they all seem nice. i don’t understand what’s going on in maths. parabolas. i thought i knew, but i don’t know how. i am worried for the test on monday. at lunch i was miserable and made no effort to get better. [redacted] and i sat opposite each other and said nothing. i ate my bagel and she ate her chocolate muffin. i started my creator’s statement in english and left to find somebody with lipstick. nobody had any. [redacted] and i left the expo, which i don’t want to tell you about, and we ate at sushi train and got 48 flavours after. i had bubblegum in a cup. i told [redacted] “i just want myself”. i am eating an orange and going to bed

june 19th, 2024

june 18th, 2024

good old nothing

june 17th, 2024

the time and energy i’ve been taking to get my hair to grow faster is seeming to pay off. nearly three months of massaging and oils and treatments and vitamin gummies, and i see a difference. boy, am i happy it’s growing back. i’m still worried that i am losing it all in clumps each time i brush it wet, but i’d always rather it be long. i wish sometimes i didn’t care so much! because i go back very regularly to look at photos of my hair before it was cut, and to sigh and pout and wait some more. at least it’s given me more time to think about the rest of my body. maybe hair isn’t the only thing that matters, contradictory to all i’ve ever said. my hair isn’t even that great. but i treasure it. i want it to be happy, and somehow it never is. i feel very represented by it. i can’t imagine changing it now for anything. my nails look better than ever; they’re long and strong and i care for them like a doting mother. no more hotel bathroom in singapore ever again, although my toenails could probably do with some more affection. you don’t care about all this

there’s this song i listen to on repeat and at first i liked it because it reminded me of your absence and how i liked the sting, but now i listen because it sounds like your long voice crack in the break between “i think you’d be a good mother” and your little nod before big tears. i turn it on and i always know that if i wanted to, i could cry. and that’s always a comfort to know. that maybe there’s still more. that i will usually always go back, and tell you, “yes”. i learnt about antifragility today when i was bored in class, along with a video actually about boredom. how it can be good. how i’m overstimulated too often. and i agree with a tight chest and itchy ears and bitten lips and a headache and a twitching eye and pyjamas shorts that have a waistband which cuts into my lower-ribs. what can anybody do except strip off all their clothes, tie up your hair, and lie down on the floor for a bit in the dark? no music, no phone, no no nothing, just you and nothing. good old nothing. who i can never get used to, no matter how much i love him. i need something always, or i want it, which is worse. i feel sensitive everywhere. i need the pressure points. i need the stress. i need the itching and the crawling out of your own skin because the lights the sounds the tastes the touches. because nothing speaks louder than any of those things, and how can you quiet a force when it does not have a mouth? where does the sound come from? the void? how does one cover the void’s mouth with their palm? and tell it, “yes”

simple love confession

june 16th, 2024

i get to know a part of you that nobody else knows, and i like my part. i love my part, and i think it is one of the best parts there is of you. it is the naked but dressed version. it is the far-off but seen version. it is the run-away and captured moment. it is the between dry laughs and colorful cries moment. so many people are going to have the new releases and the old finds, and i will not be better-off for it, or worse. they will have it and i won’t know, but i know it won’t ever be what we find wonderful in each other. always, i see them taking too much of you; grabbing and expecting, but you do not really care. i love that! i always knew that, but thankfully, i expected nothing and i waited. i was good and i waited. the impatient bitch will never learn how; to prance to skip to jump to leap without you to watch. but god! you don’t, do you? nothing is all for you anymore. no more than it is for me; raw and tactless you. it’s for us. because we see eye-to-eye when i stand on my tippy-toes and laugh full volume at what i don’t find funny, and you who must go quiet in a room full of disbelievers when i am the talk-of-the-town, when our uninterrupted flow is at once between their fingertips, in the end, ha! we will never allow it. to be reached and taken. you’ll always return half and whole, a hole that i can fill! i fit right inside. thank fuck for a thousand name-callings and street missions and the river seine where i will look down the barrel of the gun and read out that nasty poem which reeks of you

the universe is in the room with us. how do we leave it behind?

june 15th, 2024

i am going to make you happy forever. i say all the right things, and you are going to be happy forever. when i have you between my legs and i stroke your hair to tell you that i believe you and i want you and i know you more and more, it’s so that i can feel strands of your new body between my fingers. i never want to lose all that i have worked for. i never want to lose the scent of you on your side of my bed, on my pillow that’s yours. i never want to come at the wrong time. i never want to make you wait and you deserve to bleed on your bedsheets, but there’s a world where that blood belongs to me. we are crazy, we are psychotic and i am so pleased with you. i am so unbelievably relieved that you are alive and on the other side of the city and that i get to imagine it when i sleep tonight. that i get to fall asleep to the sweet recollection of the noises you made when i tipped my head back, cocked to the side and choked from joy. it was a squealing sort of noise, but not sex. you are imagining sex, but it wasn’t. something better. something like, “i wish this could last forever”. because how do you leave the room that the universe is in? when you know you are an inch away from finding something that not even it knows yet. we know how to make each other laugh and to cry and to make each other want to die but also we keep each other alive so that we can see each other again. as in, “i want to be inside you! i never want you to leave! but go to the other side of the world so i will never have to see you again!” because things are perfect. so wonderful and horrible and hurtful and i could never live to see the day when you are not all mine to me, when we do not feel shameful about our truths and good about our lies

that you could have fucked

june 14th, 2024

you should have seen us today! i gave her so much love. love all over. i gave her her paper back after she told me to write, and she kept it in her hand. i told her i am looking for something more fun than self-harm, and she told me drinking never gets old. she was embarrassed and i told her off for it. although i sat there quietly feeling quite bad for the events that would unfold after class. i know her like the back of my palm; like the gold coin in my pocket. when she says, “beth knows all about that” and all i can do is smile and try to make her better. when she walks me downstairs and i grab her hand and tell her, “you look like there’s something wrong. i want to make it better. let me make it better.” she says, “i just feel foolish.” and i; “you’re not a fool.” because you’re not! if you’re reading this and you are flipping over the back of my palm now, i imagine you reading my soul front-and-back, then you also see me on your knuckle. one in the same. we are both unforgivably lovely to each other

tonight i have gone through my memory boxes. i have made them each pretty and beautiful and i’ve started on my desk drawers — the ones i’ve put off for so long because of the cockroach i imagined was waiting for me. not even it’s corpse. it’s beautiful and neat in there now, and i don’t need any of that junk. a couple pens, an eraser, a sharpener; the basics. i kept most of it, anyway, just livened it up a bit. my floor’s quite the mess. things everywhere. cards with printed messages and handwriting of a name i won’t keep. i keep the rest, though; in a box called special cards, notes, receipts, letters, etc. i’ll clean it up tomorrow. i’ll get it looking better tomorrow. tonight’s about you and us, and how tired i am. and how i know you won’t sleep. i know you won’t sleep. but listen to me; go to bed and dream about me. don’t dream about the dumb shit. have fun and be excited and listen to the album i sent you. i am going to write you something beautiful tomorrow. and i need to submit to my literary journal i’ve been going to for days. well, for hours. come on, now. i am lying to myself. tonight there’s nothing on my mind because i know my mum’s happy and i know you a just little bit better. what else is there but that? knowing

you’re so nice

june 13th, 2024

i’ve been liking going to the floor to have an orange every night. i’ve been liking trying to drink more water and sweating it out in front of the heater and writing in my special book when i have a thought that i know is empty but that somebody will understand and want to hear maybe. possibly. that nobody will care about. i am smart, i am pretty, i am mostly good, and i am late to class. always to english. always english, and i dread meeting her eyes. she knows it! something. i think. impossible to explain how she looks at you. we were going to skip school to smoke but something came up and we went to pod instead while [redacted] sorted her shit. we got stuff from the vending machine. i just finished my pink milk we bought and calling [redacted]. she went to bed because she has a headache. i do too but she always has ones worse than mine. [redacted] read me her poem because i told her to, but i read it to myself and told her “it’s so good. you’re talented” and i continued. she just said i was nice. i should have asked if she forgave me for making her cry on the hill at our old primary school and i should have asked if she wanted to run away with me. but i just told her it was good

we walked the dogs and i might have done something, but i can’t remember. orange. journal. did i meditate? thinking in there somewhere. i waited around. lots of waiting for the call. for her to call me. i finally texted, and i ate dinner with my phone face-up. just finishing something or other. can’t remember it. but, yes. i just wanted to hear the sound of her voice. no big deal

in need of intellectual stimulation

june 12th, 2024

i’m eating an orange on my floor now and last night i decided what i really need is to put my phone down before 11pm and start meditating for five minutes in the mornings. i have french to do, but i really want to tell you about what’s missing; it’s stimulation! today [redacted] cried on the bus home from school after she told us that nobody understands what she’s trying to say. even more ironically, these words she used to describe this feeling were words i couldn’t formulate before she’d said them; any attempt to speak about the same problem with others couldn’t be understood because i didn’t know what feeling i was looking to explain. but here i am now, telling you it’s that common human-life feeling of being misunderstood. of using the wrong words and confusing yourself when you blur the lines between reality and what you can’t explain; but everything’s unexplainable. everything i say as if i’m not sure. i can never be certain you know what i’m saying, but i know of trust and belief. i need you all to believe i know what i am talking about, and that i am not making anything up. because it’s just the wind anyway, and it’s not the tree’s fault that the leaves end up on the ground. just like that; do you understand what i mean? what i am trying to tell you by being unable to explain any other way? it’s just that. i am quoting sylvia plath, aren’t i? when i say that i need some older, wiser being to talk to. i talk to god, but the sky is empty. i need somebody to sit in front of me and say something that i need to hear and to talk about, that i have not thought of before; that interests and alludes me. that proves me wrong and challenges me. philosophy is good, but the sky is infinite there. where is the being that begins and ends, but does not look at me like i am losing the thread of reality altogether? where is a young mother and supernatural entity and nice dog and soulful intelligence hiding from me in a person? why can i not see them? i just want to talk with you

love is torture stretching us all the way to death’s door

june 11th, 2024

a little bit of torture is good in a relationship, right? that’s what they tell us. and what of our relationship? it’s the thing that brings us together at the end of time, right? what makes us better and more full of light. i stay for it. so that i can remember how it feels to be loved by you and for you to call me “baby” when that returns, too, because it always does. it always does. forgetting is the bain of my existence but the more you confuse me, the more i realize the pattern of inconsistency, and that it has nothing to do with me. one day i will amaze you in the same way i always do, and i get you right back. torture as the thing. the thing is that i am loved and you are loved and not necessarily by each other, but at the very least, at least. it worries me sometimes. you can understand that, right? i used to think we were made one-in-the-same. i know we are now for better or for worse, mostly for the cost of value (oscar wilde says “a cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing”). love makes both of us cynical. i know, of course, that we are not made for this. but since it has come around again, i will have to grit my teeth and make it through to the end of time. for i cannot see you like this. but it makes for a good poem. it makes for a fucking brilliant poem. one day i will have a collection of them about you and they will all be assigned chronological sections corresponding with the week you decided to die away. every once in a while, when you become disgruntled and angry. but i too become you, like i do. like it’s a prophecy. all the good things i have become yours, too, and when you believe there are so few in the world, i start to lose the ones i started with. however, i’ve come to the wall that i can live no other way because it is so unnatural to separate from the mother now. i am an adolescent, and i still need you. you are just a newborn, and you need to be fed. we want to look after each other. it’s undeniable. but can we? that’s something else entirely. i cannot imagine a life where i don’t live like this, because it’s too sweet when all is going well

and i bring you lavender in the mornings, listen to you when nobody else does, write you sweet things that you keep forever in the bed-side drawer. when you understand who i mean to be in the afternoon; after a day of horror and bleeding in the bathroom and anxious waiting. you cannot help but be my little bit of torture and affection, my corresponding colour, my missing atom, my final other half, and eventually the writing on my tomb-stone

is it so bad at all?

june 10th, 2024

nothing's so bad when you're there and we're all tangled up in each other's hair, on the bed and smoking pot and you clinging to my chest. nothing's so bad as of tonight, and i remember when i got there after dark and i couldn't help myself. i jumped right on you and you didn't collapse. i thought i'd lose my mind. it's just that nothing matters if you're not here. i am fascinated by you and i express it badly; the seriousness of it is not conveyed at all. it's only this strong when i'm away from you and we are in different bedrooms across the city. i feel that i am getting so much closer to understanding you, and who you mean to be when you are away from the stage. i undress you on impulse. it's beautiful; a wonderful balancing act. i know you want to know me, too. that's all i want. i just want for somebody to listen and to understand and to connect. well, i don't want anybody else to do that but you

today's been nothing short of fine. i went to the beach again today and read for an hour in the scrub. everything's much prettier from this one spot; the wind doesn't bother you and you have a perfect view of the horizon and the stairs to the left; i am the perfect view-before-the-real-view, and i have of course, never wanted anything more! i guess. i know somebody wondered what i was writing about. i met my mum for a juice and we talked about her skin cancer. it's all over her chest, and she is worried because it itches and stings, and that's an uncommon side effect. i told her it's okay, as long as she doesn't start getting migraines. we took rory and went home, after i called [redacted] to make plans. she said, "maybe" which disappointed me, but i got over. i took a shower and shaved my legs, but didn't wash my hair because it felt like too much work, and i wasn't in the right mood. besides, my straight hair has been making my very happy (although i've tied it into a low-bun for most of the week) and i don't think i could have dealt with saying goodbye today. it was not one of those times. i put on my nice shirt that i bought at the op-shop on saturday with mum and my best baggy jeans, and i changed my earrings to the gold ones with dangly seashells. mum and i washed rory today, and then i lay on my floor and smoked some weed and listened to a ted-talk on creativity and felt inspired

i ended up at [redacted]'s house. we went for a walk in the dark to the oval, sat in the middle of the cricket field, and i was very afraid we'd be stabbed. we talked about her trip to goolwa, and briefly about mine to aldinga. we talked about nice people, and her dad, and the men in her life, and after her dad called her to try and take me home early, we walked up the street and sat down, leaned against a fence, and we talked about how she fears being percieved and i fear being judged; we each relish in the opposite's fears, however. [redacted] fought with her dad upstairs about letting me stay an extra hour, and we smoked in bed and watched arcane then looked into each other's eyes and i tried to convince her red wine was the best alcohol. i know she won't believe me for another ten years. we ate chocolate and sour pencils in the car-ride back to mine and her dad was very angry at the two of us. we are going to drink tea tomorrow. i know it

wasting time doing everything i can think of

june 9th, 2024

sat in my spot this afternoon! up in the aldinga scrub, over-looking the beach. i wore wool tights underneath jeans, my ugg-boots, a sports bra and a long-sleeve flannel, a jumper, and a beanie and wrist-warmers. i wrote in my novel for a bit, then read, and it got too dark, so i had to come home. my parents and i finished the impossible movie, and watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. my dad said he thought it was dated. i told him he didn't get it, then. mum made dinner, and i read outside until the mosquitos got too rough. i had cranberry juice and an orange in the backyard while i watched a video essay on dementia and alzheimer's titled "the fear of forgetting" and i was very afraid to drink red wine in front of the movie, because i am back to thinking there is nothing scarier than being unable to name things (including what and who you love, and who you are). my dad is worried he will develop it, because he started drinking so young. i am worried, too. what a terrible way to go! is there nothing worse, maybe? today was wonderful; i had lots of great ideas

it haunts me that i never heard your voice

june 8th, 2024

i’m at aldinga. today’s been okay again. i don’t have much to say. i had a nice conversation with my dad today when we walked the dogs and threw balls for them at the park, about my writing. this place gives me a sense of needlessness, but literally fully-fledged desperation; like i’ve got to do something with the time and there is too little to do but so much time that i cannot bare to do nothing, so what about anything? still, i get a lot of time to myself. i’ve read a bit, and journaled. written in my other book, which i’m using at the moment as a way to get out ideas, and is turning into a bit of a self-obsessed and report-style-like novel. and i’ve done some homework for english. i also don’t feel sick anymore, but i have a lot of phlegm and gross recovery things. my mum says she’s feeling sick, which would suck for her. my dad and i planned to hike this weekend, but she could stay at home with the dogs if she wanted to

i wrote a very sad poem about my dog dying today, and i cried in bed before we watched the movie out in the living room as a family. before i'm glad you're feeling better. i didn’t wear makeup today, and i actually feel very pretty. i straightened my hair yesterday, and straight hair always makes me feel very beautiful. i actually think it might be for me what fake eyelashes are to the girls in my grade. maybe it’s not as pretty as my natural hair, but the change is transformative for my personality. sometimes it’s exactly what i need. a reminded that i can do things, and that i am not permanently one way or another. i can always wash my hair and bring my curls back. it’s nice to feel like a different person every once in a while, when you are able to run your hands through your hair without ripping knots out, i seem to be a much more pleasant person

what kind of person drinks a mocha? or has that many sloths?

june 7th, 2024

i spent this morning off from school watching videos about prehistoric australia, flight 370, and “the great silence” from the rest of the universe. i also spent it on my floor cutting out modigliani portraits for my wall, to add to my klimpt photos. i made tea and journaled at my desk, and i even did some mindfulness. i got through quite a bit of homework, as i needed to catch-up on what i missed this week from being so sick. i did maths and english. i’ve had to draw for english, a couple of comic panels about “changing identity”. because of persepolis. yesterday i did start feeling a little bit better, while i was waiting for [redacted] on the table outside, i went over some of my old scribbly pencil poetry with a fineliner and made out a couple of words. plus, i’ve got some real free-thinking thoughts back. some brain power, anyway, for my usual creative pursuits and general interests. i’m not a sick piece of shit anymore. or as much as i was. yesterday i also cried and put a poem on tik tok; my videos have been doing well, but my following has not been increasing. i don’t mind this. i’m happy that people are somehow seeing my writing at all! i think i do feel a little worse-for-wear, though. mood-wise. my phone addiction is upsetting because normally i am very good with that sort of thing, and prioritizing

i also saw [redacted] today, who i’ve never hung out with before. we went to the coffee shop near [redacted]’s old house, and i got a chai latte; he got a mocha. we forgot to pay on the way out, which was fairly embarrassing. then i convinced him to buy the winter pyjamas from bed bath and table that i own and love to bits. he did! and when we got back to my house, we both put them on. we made hummus on toasted-wraps and watched silence of the lambs because he likes horror movies, and it’s a classic that i’ve seen before — which is important because how would i know if it was a good movie or not? i always end up watching movies i’ve seen before with other people. why has nobody else ever seen a movie before? then we went to the little park up by the road down to my old primary school. we lay on a rug and talked about what we want to do when we’re older, which has been a common theme in my life. [redacted] says he doesn’t know what he wants to do, but he knows more and more that he doesn’t want to do something normal. then we came back, and he did a tarot reading for me, about my dreams. it was informative and reaffirming at the same time. we also showed each other our crystal collections

[redacted] and i are planning on going for a walk tonight, which i’m going to coordinate with her once i finish my english homework. today’s been pretty good. i feel like an evil self-indulgent cunt and at the same time i feel very relieved and like i did when i was a little girl, although maybe i have always felt like a self-indulgent cunt

life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans

june 6th, 2024

[redacted] just left after we smoked a cigarette in my backyard, and i have just realised i left my laptop in [redacted]’s locker, so now i am writing on my phone, which doesn’t feel right or efficient. today was a mess. i decided to go to school and make things okay, instead of having another day on bed-rest. i did french in pod, and we took our learning preference test. i got auditory-infp. i was very assured by this, because i didn’t know it was going to give me my myers briggs personality, so i answered all the questions with total honesty, and i still got infp. and at recess i tried to be good and see [redacted], but i was in a pretty poor mood and so was she. we still laughed really hard together. and i went to leap today. we were talking about cyber-safety. boring shit. i went to well-being for science and talked to my guidance councillor about my fear or failure and being like everybody else. she smiled at me very softly while i spoke and played with one of the fidgets and at lunch [redacted] and [redacted] and i dipped and went to a park down the road to share a cigarette. i felt bad and wet even though it wasn’t raining; a bit glitchy really. i hate cigarettes. they are gross and make me feel bad. but i like holding them. [redacted] cried, like she always does whenever she uses substances. me and [redacted] talked about selfishness. i called [redacted] and asked if she’d come home with me and skip the last two lessons. she said yes, so we caught the bus back. it is a shame that i feel bad today, and that i’m still not entirely over being sick

i have a four-day-long weekend, because of a pupil free day today and the king’s birthday on monday, and i don’t deserve it. i don’t think i will do anything except distract myself, which is a horrible thought. i want to do something with my life that i think is on purpose, and it does not seem like such a hard concept until i am deciding between social media and an audiobook. it should be an easy choice, but for some reason the right answer is never the one i choose. this weekend, i should make the right choices, and i should go outside more. i have this fear that i am missing out on my own life because i am not seizing opportunities, but realistically opportunities do not come along every day. maybe i have said this before. i understand that i am to create opportunities; i know what to do and why i want to do it, but not how i am to get there. my fear of autonomy is not as excessive as my desire for it; i wish they would be more equal. i can feel the unbalance

headache in bed. made you laugh today

june 5th, 2024

i did make it in for my french exam. i came in a little bit before (in the middle of lunch) to see [redacted] but it wasn’t all that good. in french, [redacted] had a go at me for not staying home, but i think i did really well. i think if i had waited to do it until next week then i would have forgotten everything. i said that i have bad dreams, and i wake up a lot in the night. this has been true lately. i don’t know what is actually waking me up, because i can’t remember the dreams. i started watching four daughters this morning, but stopped so i could study. and i put on makeup today. i doubt i’ll remember to take it off tonight. i wish i didn’t feel so useless, or else maybe i could try to do something very important. i’ve been trying to improve the code for this website; it chews up quite a bit of time, and i want to make something that is enjoyable and not painful to read. i want to add a comment section so i can speak with you all or at least hear what you think, but it’s very complicated and i have never coded before really. i will try and follow a tutorial tonight. and i really need to delete social media from my phone, before i lose what good i’ve gained

sickness makes me sentimental for when i was once a sentient being

june 4th, 2024

i have the flu. at least i think it’s the flu. i have been trying to take care of myself so that hopefully by tomorrow i am better and i can go in to complete my oral french exam. i’ve been doing nothing all day and i feel rather bad and sick and stupid. and i feel ugly, because i am so ill that i cannot lie in bed if it’s not with my mouth open taking really long and shaky breaths, drooling onto pillows and old t-shirts and things. i always feel very ashamed when i am sick, and i confuse it with guilt. i have nothing to be guilty about, but for some reason there is that feeling of self-dread whenever i find myself in this state. i have been shaking my leg, lying on my side, and watching tv shows on netflix the entire day. i did have a very good shower this morning, though. normally a shower feels like a task, but today it felt very enjoyable, which is something on the up-side. anyway. i am worried nobody is watching. do you understand what i mean when i say that? if you are a watcher, i hope you will understand. when you are sitting behind somebody you know and there is a delightful moment where all you can think to do is stare at the back of their head and in some weird way, the act is not creepy but it’s in fact very relieving. thank god i am seeing her at this ungodly angle, you know? but i have not been having much of that as of late. i have been having bad eyesight, a poor appetite, dry lips that no dermal therapy will solve. but i want the cold wind to blow through my jacket again and to make me feel very human, when i am walking across the oval toward the building and i know it’s going to rain just by the stillness in the air and the sun might set but i know this building. this building is safer sometimes than anywhere else on the planet. i despise it and i despise you but i’d rather be turned away from the sunset if it meant i could keep watching your nose twitch across the room

horrible feeling in the horrible weather

june 3rd, 2024

three days into winter and it seems all i can bear to do without feeling like i might either punch everybody or become a wet blanket is be horizontal in bed. i came home from school early after wandering around my local op-shop and being unsuccessful. the walk back was very gruesome and i decided to take a bath and drink a milo and try to read persepolis. the book is going fine, but i was meant to finish it weeks ago. i’ve not been able to think all of today. if about half of all human beings’ thoughts are uncontrollable, and the others are conscious, then today there has been a great unbalance. it’s certainly not been 50/50. my brain has not been working at all. and i have unfortunately got a very sort throat, but i am trying to combat it with drinking lots of water. nothing very exciting happened today, and it seems like we were all in a rotten mood

last night at the party i said to you, "c'est la vie"

june 2nd, 2024

i didn’t sleep at all last night and my parents took me out this morning for a pie and to tell me my mother is quitting alcohol and sugar before bed because they thought she had a heart attack last night while i was gone. i said, “okay” and i’ve been in bed since. the party was really great. as in, i had a great time. i had red wine before i left and sat in front of my heater (which looks like a fireplace) and i felt very relaxed when [redacted] and [redacted] came over. i liked the hour before the party started, when several of us all got to hang out in [redacted]’s room. i could make a mental note of who to go to if i needed somebody during the night, but i was actually fine. i spoke and came up to a lot of people by my own volition. i guess i won’t talk about it too much, but, yeah, i had a really good time. i drank more than everybody else there, but i didn’t act like it at all. i was perfect. i did much more looking after people than i thought i would, too. i said wonderful things and i felt very pretty and a bit like a bowling-pin

first day of winter

june 1st, 2024

it’s the first day of winter. i keep on saying i won’t let the weather effect me but then this dreadful month comes ‘round and i’ve got an itchy throat, sore, watery eyes, and i’m counting my reasons to keep living. putting on stupid socks beneath my winter pants uniform won’t do the trick anymore. i’ve been feeling really bad whenever i write, and i can’t explain it to you. it’s not self-pity or angst or even a lesser ego. i just feel really let-down by myself, and it is only when i create art. i’ve got the party tonight. i have finished cleaning my room, and i’ve been doing french for a little while. i’ve got a vigorous urge to fuck somebody, or myself. i can’t figure out which. all i know is that i am horny, and i have been and nothing is curing it and i don’t know if it will ever go away. maybe the only thing that will help it go away is if i kiss everybody on the planet; maybe i will try to tonight in my bad dream. i will remember what i am telling you now, so that i can imagine it into my dream-state. i’ve not been that flirty, though, or charismatic. i never am, though, really, am i? i think i can be very charismatic, persuasive, enticing. probably since meeting [redacted] this has increased

i love to be cold, but having revisited some old photos from past winters, i think i do really understand the reason why i feel awful during this time; or just how it feels. i can only do this by using a comparison. in summer, and even autumn and spring, you feel very present and physical and safe. you feel like the song vienna. you sure can afford to lose a day or two, and this mindset is what means that you don’t lose a minute, because you stop really caring. winter is the opposite. i have this constant looming reminder that everything i do is without real purpose and i am following my own reckless and lost ideology very blindly, and it makes me miserable. there is the combination of the lack of sun and pretty things, too, but that’s a whole separate feeling. i guess in the past winter has always just made me feel wasted, and i don’t want it to happen again. i am wasted on myself, and i feel like i’ve lost all my time before i’ve even spent it

fuck last quarter moon fuck last quarter moon

may 31st, 2024

things have not gone my way today. i met [redacted] for a coffee this morning, because we talked about it on the phone last night, and [redacted] found us and sat down with us. she is very nice, but me and [redacted] just wanted some us-time. i also came into the bathroom today to meet her and when i opened the door, we were wearing the exact same thing for casual clothes day. dark blue jumpers / hoodies and baggy jeans. it doesn’t help that we look fucking identical. that wasn’t a problem. we made a joke out of it. everybody assumed we coordinated, which was arguably the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing. i bought a small hot chocolate, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. in english, i wore glasses and did my french. some girl mouthed off a nerd she was going out with and accused him of being blind, and i felt personally targeted because i was wearing reading glasses — that was how today was. and at recess, i hung out with [redacted]. we sat on the long, thin bench-thing by the oval and i was not very present. or pleasant, probably. it was cold and wet and miserable today. and i went into maths, but i had more important things to do, so i asked to go to well-being and apologized for leaving, and then i found [redacted] downstairs and we did homework outside the drama wing. i did practice for ordinal and cardinal numbers in french. she read memoirs of a dutiful daughter. and i did go to action project today; you all will be pleased to know. it was fine, and i actually worked on something for our expo in a couple of weeks. my poor teacher!

lunch was fine. me and a group of girls sat in one of the language rooms and shut ourselves in. each time a teacher came in to tell us to leave, we told them we were doing a meeting for german club. german club does not exist. i had french after lunch, which was really great. i got to practice my writing skills, and boy does it feel great to have sentence structures and grammar structures down to a T. i know exactly what i’m talking about, but the next part is knowing if anybody else does. [redacted] and i had a conversation about the fact that she probably isn’t bipolar, and that she just has adhd and autistic. i had to bite my cheeks so i didn’t sigh from relief the entire conversation. she was super good at teaching today, and everyone was listening. which, yay! because it’s friday, so i thought we’d all be miserable. as we were leaving the classroom, [redacted] told me not to be sad, because i’d told her before i was going to be sad when we weren’t seeing each other every day, and a kid called out after me, “don’t be sad!” i had pod-line, and some random kid followed me downstairs and asked for a sip of the coke ms bunton had given to me. fucking weird. i used pod-line to finish my sketches for art and use the scanner, and upload the drawings to my folio. i need to finish it in the next two hours, because otherwise i’m going to be worried all night at the concert (mum and i are going to missy higgins tonight). anyway. it was rainy today and i felt generally poor. i even nearly missed my bus stop today. i was wedged between the aisle and the driver shut the door on me, then i had to shout “one more!” at him, before he opened it again. that sort of thing happens, but i didn’t need it to happen today; i already felt like something was wrong with me. stupid, tiny things like that make me feel personally attacked. i find it very hard to remove myself and entertain the idea that the world does not revolve around my positioning in the universe. now i am cold and i’ve put on a skirt and a little top with a bow and i am sitting on my bed cross-legged; i have to eat something and do homework, and then get reayd for the missy higgins concert. tomorrow night is going to be fun; it will be

tu je penses que je voudrais plus d'amour dans ma vie

may 30th, 2024

when is it going to be enough? the more i live my life and am trying my best to be sincere, the harder i find it to care about what direction i am walking; it could be into the ocean. i try so hard to stay focused and looking forward, but i can’t help but to look at the strange footprints i am leaving in the dirt. and how they are going to disappear soon enough. enough enough enough, and when have i had it? when is it going to be engraved in my tombstone? when will i leave a mark hard enough for you to never remove? when is it enough life? i have not had any, yet. i feel like a baby. i am still yours. and i don’t know how to move my body yet; i just want to be shown. but i’ve been fed-up for so many years. nothing is new in spring. everything has died before winter has come. i am in the middle of the universe and time cannot wrap itself around me just quite yet

i gave [redacted] my letter today. she read it in front of me and hugged me, and told me i am special. i stumbled out the door. and i studied all day, but i feel like i haven’t learnt anything. nothing is speaking to me. he is saying, “get up and dig your own grave”. do you believe what i am telling you? i am only writing this so that you’ll listen to my stories, and so that you will visit me when i am old; in the grave. and bring a flower with your name carved into the stem

there is hatred in hiding evil so i get to hold your wrist

may 29th, 2024

i need to take a shower, very badly. things have been weird and orderly and just the right amount of evil, but still pretty unbearable. on the walk to school, a revivalist truck reversed and accidentally snapped a branch off a tree, so as i crossed the road, i dragged it into the footpath with me. then a man in a car turning right rolled down his window to thank me. on the way past my primary school, a younger girl told me i was going to be late for school, but i had a late start. i told her that. she told me again that i was going to be late. i told her i had another ten minutes, then left. but the bus went past my stop. there was only one other girl on the bus with me; a year twelve. we walked down the road quietly and went our separate ways at the gate. i felt pretty good this morning. and french was really great today. for the first half of the lesson, we answered questions at the front of the class that are going to be in our oral test next week. [redacted] called on us in a random order, with different questions. i thought my answer was okay. then for the rest of the lesson, we went outside on the oval and had to talk to each other about anything, as long as it was in french. the exercise was pretty good, and i think i actually got quite a bit out of it. i’m still upset that i don’t have very much of a vocabulary, but at least my grammar is going well; things are always in the right order, i think. at recess, i talked to [redacted] for a bit and walked her downstairs. we got called an “unholy” duo in the hallway. we decided we are going to take [redacted] out for a coffee together. i am really happy that she wants to do that. [redacted] needs somebody at school to feel loved by. then i went to well-being for three minutes, and dissociated. i had maths. which is going fine. we learnt another factorization method today; the quadratic formula, and about the discriminant, and rational solutions. i understood it fine, but i know i will forget the formula by tomorrow morning. X = -b +/- √b² -4 x a x c / 2 x a. we’ve got it for now. i hung out with [redacted] at lunch and we talked about animal cruelty and her mum maybe divorcing her dad. i went to art, and created my character design research slide, and started my sketch for her. then i skipped action project and hung out with [redacted]. we got slushies at the otr, and came back to sit in school together. we talked about team-sports and the party on saturday. then [redacted], who is a kid from the neurodivergency club, came to sit down beside me. that was pretty awkward. i don’t not like him, and i wasn’t embarrassed, but i was talking with [redacted], and she doesn’t know him, and the whole thing was strange. because he didn’t have anything to say, so he just kind of sat there and nodded and listened to our conversation. when [redacted] went away to get picked up, i asked him about the club. he said it’s fine, but not the same without the old club leader. i said, maybe he’ll see me tomorrow. but he won’t. i don’t want to go anymore, and i’d always rather see [redacted]. then i got on the bus with [redacted] and [redacted] and we talked about what’s going to happen when [redacted] comes back, because she texted us last night to tell us she’s booked flights, and is going to stay at my house for a bit, and [redacted]’s house, and then jump around for a little bit. i think that sounds fair enough. anyway. then i walked home and i journaled naked in my bed and finished my art slide, and i’ve been doing french for a couple of hours. i really need to go and take a shower now, and somehow forget about today. i felt a bit icky, even though i was joyful. very plastic, maybe. and i still need to read my book for english tonight

i’ve been a fine version of myself today

may 28th, 2024

i woke up at [redacted]’s house today. we planned to get up before seven, to do homework, but woke up forty-five minutes late. i was so tired. we went upstairs and iced our faces, and ate nutella toast. it was very good bread. last night was fun, i think. [redacted] is very worried about what to wear for her party, but of course it’s not really about the clothes, it’s about other people perceiving her, and how scary that is. i am nervous for her party, only because i have a bad feeling about it, and [redacted] and i talked last night about how awful it is listening to other people talk about either one of us from the other person’s perspective. there will be a lot of me listening to other people have opinions about [redacted] that i am not ready for, because they are not allowed to know her. i’d defend her with my body. literally. we’ve both agreed to do something mutually before i go away to france. we knew it the moment we looked at each other. my favorite part of last night was giving her my present, after i braided her hair and she cried because i was being nice, or talking in bed after she came back downstairs from hanging out with her mother, or going to her grandparents’ house for cake

we got to school a bit late today, but that’s all right. i used her makeup again, and it wasn’t as bad this time. i’m getting to know how to use her things on myself. i was late to the socratic seminar in english today, about lady bird, but it worked out fine. i joined the second group, and got to do both prompts, so i didn’t miss out on anything. i got really mad at [redacted], the kid who used to dress up as a nazi in primary school, because he was making offensive points about julie’s character and sexist remarks about marion and was just generally confusing “unconventional ideas” with “unconventional ideas about gender”. but apparently everybody said that during the first prompt, i sounded very intellectual and “like i had a large vocabulary”. so, whatever that means, i did well! after recess, i had art, and i’ve got a bunch of stuff to do for my folio before friday, so i’m going to be busy at home drawing so that i can get it all scanned by next lesson. i might do that after i finish writing this. in leap, we watched the smoking ceremony assembly, which was incredibly interesting and enjoyable honestly. we did it for reconciliation week, but hearing about aboriginal australian culture is something that i love about glenunga. whenever we have kaurna people come in to educate and speak to us, instead of a random scripted student; it all just feels a little more natural and so beneficial. we talked about the referendum last year in the last bit of time we had in leap

i had a pretty good lunch and sat with [redacted] and [redacted] for most of it, underneath a tree. we talked about the party, and doing pres at [redacted]’s house before the party. i had pod after, and did my french. [redacted] came in! and i got to show her what i’ve been doing. she said what i’m doing is baby-baby, but i explained that so much of it is stuff that i don’t understand about basic grammar, and i need to try so much harder in languages than everyone else does, it feels like. i love languages, but i need to work at it consistently, and doing A1 has been helpful. but she did make a good point, and we are doing A2-A3 level french in our class at the moment. she left, because she was distracting me, and then [redacted] came in to talk to me about exchange, because she heard about it from somebody. i had a good conversation with her, but i felt really tired by the end. science was hell-ish. i saw who our relief teacher was, and he was so insulting and vile that i stood up and said to him, “sir, i’m going to leave” and when he asked me where, i said “well-being. bye, sir” and i can literally still see the look on his face as i turned away. it sounds awful, but if you met this man, if i could explain to you all the things he did with my five minutes of being in the class, you’d get it. i, frankly, don’t have it in me. i went to equip after school, and somebody stole a boy’s laptop and broke it a little bit, then put a sticker on it and left it on the top of his locker. he blames himself for it. we talked today about how to look at mistakes. when it ended, i sat with [redacted] in the next room for twenty minutes. we talked about neurodivergency and what she thinks. i love her. i am going to be very sad when she goes, and i’ll miss her so much. i’m going to write her a card to give to her on thursday when i see her last! and my copy of the unbearable lightness of being. maybe. i haven’t decided… but she is such a wonderful person. she deserves nothing bad

[redacted] is going to read my letters tonight. i am so nervous

baby’s birthday, and they’re saying i’m a bit bubblier

may 27th, 2024

it’s [redacted]’s birthday! i’m writing this in science, as i doubt i’ll manage to write tonight. she’s just called me to ask if i want to come and meet her in the city in an hour, so i’ll do that, and probably end up staying the night. my morning has been okay. i was going to wake up early and finish her present, but i failed at that, so i packed it in my bag and missed action project this morning, and i went to pod instead. i’ve pretty much finished it. although, on the bus, maybe i’ll add another picture or a drawing or a conclusion or something. i talked to [redacted] in pod this morning, and i learnt that her special interest area is geography — specifically rivers, and how they’re formed — which i think is possibly the sweetest thing in the world. she’s so wildly passionate about it, like you couldn’t believe. she spoke to me about how smart they are, and what her favorite river is, and why she loves to be able to speak about river formations. i think she makes rivers sound very exciting. she helped me with maths this morning, too, and i had my maths test after! i would have struggled if i hadn’t revised with her, but i think i might have actually done quite well today in the test. there were a couple questions i struggled with, plus getting them all answered in time, but i did quite well, and i’ll be surprised if i get any lower than a “b” grade, and not surprised if i get higher. but anyway. [redacted] is lovely, and i’m going to be very sad when she leaves and goes to europe, but of course, very happy for her; like she will be for me!

i’m not sure how i feel, but i want to try and write about it so that i can understand it myself. i feel very out of time, which is nothing new, but also very out of touch, oddly. i’ve started reading the news, and watching, but that hasn’t seemed to have helped. i feel disconnected from life and things i want to make me happy. like being a good person, or at the very least, a good friend. i don’t want to hurt anybody, but recently it hasn’t concerned me, which is frustrating. i am sorry that i can’t use their names for real; it has being weighing on me a lot, whether i ever will. maybe i will change them all back one day — i have saved all of my entry drafts which are pre-edited (i have not changed names to [redacted]) but i guess we’ll see how my life pans out. i haven’t been making an effort to be around other people who i find difficult to talk to, which is something i value. i want to be respectful and open-minded. but i’ve been shying away from that. maybe it’s a sign i need a tiny break. not from permanent challenge, but from the challenges i’ve been throwing at myself; maybe i need to slow down for a second and write poetry a bit more, and in my journal a bit more, and talk to people about how they’re doing; not always myself. i think [redacted] will be in a good mood today, when i come to meet her; she sounded like it on the phone. i am, too, i think. everyone’s been saying i’m more bubbly recently. i am behaving a bit more like [redacted]

a very pretty blunt in the park

may 26th, 2024

yes, i feel like rubbish. i’ve needed to do exactly what i haven’t. i needed to finish [redacted]’s birthday present, but after i called her last night, i felt mad and tired and exhausted, and i went through all the contacts in my phone looking to have phone-sex with someone. i can’t explain it. when i am angry, i am so horny; it feels like that, anyway. i’m sure there is some logical link between those two feelings. the heat, maybe. but yes, i felt like i could fuck something. the feeling did not carry on to today. i felt bad for calling people and harassing them late at night, and i gave [redacted] bad advice when she texted me about her situation in america. sometimes i think i don’t make any sense when i am speaking with her, but she seems to think i am very wise. maybe i just am very wise. it’s a mystery to me, anyway. i lay in bed for most of the late morning, scrolling on my phone. i got up to wash my face and get into some jeans and a shirt, and then i walked to [redacted]’s, since her parents were having my parents over in the afternoon for wine and cheese. we decided to take some weed (only a couple nugs) from her younger brother and smoke a blunt nearby. we left, she paid for some food at woolworths, and we went to a school nearby, but we realized we only had two matches — since she lost her lighter, we had to bring matches. anyway; the blunt went out. but it was good weed, and even a few drags had us a bit lighter and happier on the way back to hers. we stole some more matches, went to a dog-park up the road and sat behind a tree to smoke the rest. [redacted] sent me some voice-messages, which i opened while we were there, and i had a good time. [redacted] showed me some traditional bosnian dancing, and i imagined i was resting on a very safe patch of grass in the village i’m staying in on exchange, away from the main road and from any people, and i tried to imagine the smells there. i described to [redacted], “weed makes me feel like the world is not so angry at me all the time”

middle kids with mum, and me on mortality (don’t forget who i am)

may 25th, 2024

mum and i just left the middle kids concert, and now i’m writing on my floor. we passed a graveyard on the way home from the concert and my stomach started to hurt, and it hurts now. how could heaven be better than sitting in the car with my mother after scream-singing all night? the thought makes me so uneasy. it makes everything hurt all over, and i feel like tensing up and crying. nothing is more beautiful than the beauty i know that is all around me. how could all of that be gone to me one day? and how will it continue without me? the little tree i watched grow up in my backyard? the nice old people i’ve met; great, big clouds which tell stories; dogs which know me by name… and the flowers i see on the way to school which i think are growing the happiest. the ones i pick to give to you

god, everything is great, but what is the point of living if i do not have a baby? how is it possible that i know i won’t be able to sleep tonight if i don’t call [redacted] to tell her i love her; what a really lovely thing. i want to do something special on monday for her. if i had a baby, i would give everything i had worked for. my whole body. what is bigger than that? the idea of losing my life is not so terrible when i imagine it is going into something, like the ground; to grow the next tree. to be underneath it. and i love all that! but how is it i shouldn’t cry when i imagine not being? how is it you’ll all forget about me? and the love i possess, and carry with me everywhere; that i pour into what cannot love me back!

nothing is lots to do! actually

may 24th, 2024

oh god, i’m so fucking tired. my neighbors are paying me fifteen bucks to look after their cats while they’re away this weekend, and i have to go over later. i don’t want to get up to do anything, and i’ve got a massive headache from looking at my laptop all day at school. i don’t get a break either; i have so much homework to do tonight. i have to update my art folio, finish my book for english, revise for my maths test, study for my french test (plus, more french), and i also have to finish making [redacted]’s birthday present all in this weekend. i think maybe when i finish this entry i’m going to get something to eat, drink some water, make a plan for the weekend, and work on some writing. i have to open [redacted]’s videos she’s sent me, too, because i’ve left her on delivered for several days

i had a really lame day. some of my lessons were fine, but action project killed my mood, sucked the life out of my spirit, gut-punched me, and then i took the bus home to miss maths so that i didn’t lose my soul completely. but my good lessons were art and french today. english kind of sucked. in art, we worked on our folios, and i scanned my drawing i did of emily from corpse bride yesterday. it was just quiet and i got a lot done, and i liked doing that for my first lesson. after recess, i had french, which was actually so so good today. i talked [redacted] through my paragraph on the war between france and new caledonia, and i didn’t make that many mistakes! most of the errors i made were things like forgetting to use a reflexive pronoun, or putting an adverb in the wrong place, or not using a preposition. but i wrote a really hard paragraph on my own, and got most of it right, so i’m pretty proud of myself. i also think [redacted] can see how hard i’m working, which is really nice. yeah, english after was a bit of a bore. i just started reading our class book. i know why it’s important to read, and also why it is objectively a good and clever book, but it’s not the kind of milk i put in my cup of tea, if you know what i mean. lunch was pretty fun. i had [redacted] around, and i ate my sandwich. and we sat in our spot where we watch the girl from behind with the long blonde hair take out a brush and slowly work it through every strand. i felt very twitchy though, and very watched. and yes, then i had action project. it was totally fine, except i feel like i’m going to die in that classroom. i feel like i genuinely have crosses for eyes and i am slowly descending into the floor beneath me, making a home in that chair of a casket. i spent this lesson complaining to the smart girl across from me about the loud annoying boy and yelling at him every now and then to shut up. no wonder i have a headache. then i caught the bus home because maths could not have been a worse idea. i had a pit-stop at vinnies and i got some kind of soft cotton square box jewelry case. so sorry for that brain-rot word-jargon. i have no room in my conscious mind to write comprehensible imagery. anyway. i’ve been at home for about two hours, and have walked the dogs and finished some “shape language” sketches for my art folio which i’ll scan next week. sorry about the lack of energy. i need to be put down right now

but i don’t feel that well, so maybe i should have meat for dinner

may 23rd, 2024

hey! i am going fine today. i re-painted my nails today, since the colour [redacted] used was too bright. i re-painted them a dark rouge colour, which my mum said is called pinot noir , like the wine. i also ate a muffin for breakfast, which i don’t normally do. i felt like telling you. my hair was a little bit frizzy, even though i put it in a braid and put some oil in it before bed. i don’t know what else to do. it was fine, though. why is my hair getting so thin all of a sudden? i have told you; i’m afraid i’m going bald. that’s what really concerns me lately

in my first lesson, i did lots of french. i also printed out my english socratic notes, but in english, which was my last lesson today, i realized they were all wrong and i need to re-do them and re-print. but yes; lots of french. i will never be able to remember all of this shit. then, when i was walking out to recess, [redacted] called me. she was crying and asked me to come to well-being. i walked very quickly and she was in the room at the end. she asked me to shut the blind. once i did that, i sat down next to her so we were very close, and i asked her what was going on. [redacted] has realized she has a superiority complex, and that she is different from the people around her. she talked to me about a lot of things, but her biggest concern seems to be that she won’t end up where she thinks she’s meant to be, and she feels very discouraged by other people’s successes, and it’s manifesting itself in being very angry at people all the time. i told her all of that and she said i was right. secretly, i was looking on the wall behind her head at a feeling-wheel sheet, which has a list of very general feelings in the center which branch out into a more specific, and then an ultra specific feeling. i was using it to help understand what she might have actually been telling me. she doesn’t want to say what she actually is trying to say. it’s very hard to watch, and i feel bad for her. we went for a walk around the oval and skipped our leap lesson, and we talked about our pod tutor [redacted], and why it’s fun to know other languages. we talked about what she’s looking forward to. i wanted to tell her recently i have only been thinking about being a mother

i had science after, which was anti-climactic and boring. i tried to use the time to think, but i just zoned-out. nothing kept me stimulated today, really, just talking to people about things. when i was on a walk during science for a break, i ran into [redacted], my old french teacher, and i told her that her lunch looked really good. she asked me if i had any lunch, and i thought she was asking me if i had a break soon, but she was really asking if i had something to eat. i remembered that once upon a time i had an eating disorder so monstrous almost all of my subject teachers were aware. at lunch [redacted] bullied me for taking such slow bites of my sandwich. it had a pickle in it. we sat and watched her year twelve friend from german school play some kind of sport that i don’t know anything about. i went to art. my art teacher was very nice to me today. she told me i have very exceptional natural drawing skills, and that i should do visual art next semester instead of creative arts B (i am doing creative arts A right now). she said it would offer more of a stretch, and it’s very experimental and critical. i will have to see, though. i don’t want to change too many of my lines in case it interferes with my other subjects, and plus, i am not going to be there for very long before i go to france anyway. still, i liked that she was nice to me. i talked to her about my mum, since she is doing coaching at the school, and [redacted] is a year twelve mentor leader

nothing went on in english, except i talked quite a bit to my english teacher. nobody was really there today, for some reason. i think there might have been an excursion and a drama play both on today for year tens. but after, i got excited and went to see [redacted]. i love that woman. i gave her a hug and we talked for about an hour after school. we got into some deep stuff about her childhood, and her family. her dad’s a psychotic narcissist, and her mom is mentally unwell. i told her she and my mum seem to have had very similar childhoods, and maybe that’s why we connect so well. either way, i love to be around such a vulnerable person. as i have only just realized, she is even more sensitive than me. i always want to show her my insides when we’re together so she knows i’m like her. our conversations are too sacred to recount. in itself, they are almost like some kind of oath we are taking. very sworn to each other; i am so happy to be trusted. i left and gave [redacted] downstairs the rest of my lolly snake. then i took the bus home and listened to a very sad song called true norwegian black metal by sprain. i had to bite the insides of my cheeks so i didn’t cry. then i walked home and wrote in my notes app. i’ve so far changed out of my school clothes, put my homework out on the kitchen table, had a glass of solo, put my headphones on charge, watered my plants, fed the dogs, put on a gel shine top coat for my nails, and put more lipstick on. once i finish this sentence i can say i have written an entry, too

you’re as blessed as a child’s cat roaming the oleander-forest

may 22nd, 2024

time does not exist with [redacted]; we always get exactly where we need to be in exactly the right amount of time whenever we are together. we did go on our walk this morning. i rolled out of bed, put my shoes on, and we left. but we woke up a bit too late, and didn’t quite get to see the sun. we met four elderly people at the look-out, and then we decided to get coffees from the juice-place down the road. (except we don’t drink coffee, so i got a hot chocolate, and she got a chai latte). as we walked, we looked at all the houses and decided our favorites and the ones that would look like our future dream houses. we talked a lot about how cold it was. this morning felt very nice. i so like being with her. we could be anywhere and i’d be okay as long as it was with her and we were like we always are. i took my shellac off last night in her bathroom so that she could paint my nails this morning, so after we walked back to her house, we got ready pretty quickly — i stuffed around with her makeup and ate a cheese toasty — and then she painted my nails a very bright red. we did the first coat at the dining-room table, then got in the car with her grandma and she took us to school. i have decided as of today that i will start reading the news, because i had a very interesting conversation with [redacted]’s grandma about what was going on, and i want to be well-informed. we sat outside on one of the lunch table’s and [redacted] did my second coat. they dried fairly well. i took her to class, and then i did french in the pod. i went to maths, and decided to go home so i’d miss french and science. mum picked me up, and i showed her my leather jacket, and told her all about yesterday. she started work, and i went back to doing french. i wrote something about the war going on in new caledonia, and i drank tea. i need to eat something. i have been forgetting too often lately, and eating just a little bit makes me feel full. it’s very weird, and it’s why having a day on the weekend off from the meds is helpful. i just posted some writing, and now i need to work on [redacted]’s birthday present and eat something and not throw up and not get a headache and not have anxiety and go on the dog walk and finish everything i’ve ever started and then it might all be okay!

hey, there. i do love you. i do think we’re friends

may 21st, 2024

hey, there! my misery is gone. i am not soulless; i just needed my imaginary friend back. [redacted], if you read this, i love you infinity — you are across the room from me and you are very tired in your bed

i am a mentor, apparently. as of today i am something i have always wanted to be. i am [redacted]. i am the full circle moment. i am something that others want to be. this is perhaps the most astounding. and yes, i love them all! this small following of unbroken (but precious) children that are looking for a safe landing, i will be it and more for them. but it has been a weird twenty-four hours. [redacted]’s little brother, sibling, sister, sister, sister, sister — sister, is deciding to transition. we are very close and very similar. i took her out for milkshakes this afternoon, after her grandma picked us up from equip, and we talked about the fact she has decided to use my name, and how she feels about everything. this is not so interesting, but i didn’t mind being interrogated; she was very intensive and assertive and questioning of me and i could not understand why until we came back to her house, and she told me she was sorry if what she was going to say was weird, but that she wants to be me. i did not say a whole lot after that. i ate dinner very quietly and when [redacted] came home we tried on her mum’s clothes; i scored a $600 vivienne westwood leather jacket for free. it feels very illegal. we retreated to her room, and sat outside on the cold balcony in a rug and smoked weed and i relayed to her what [redacted] had told to me. nothing damning; i did not break confidence, or say anything she did not already know. but i felt very weird and different. i love to sit and talk to [redacted]. she is the entire universe when she is sitting beside me. we both agreed that our life is only a movie when we are together, and the rest of it is some kind of strange filler. i felt very grateful that i don’t feel like my whole life is like that. [redacted] smells like the back of the person you love most’s neck, except everywhere. each time you are breathing the same air as her, you feel like you are being embraced by her entire body

we are going to go on a walk tomorrow morning to see the sun. i am going to make peppermint tea and try to fall asleep

sorry for feeling sorry about being sorry -- what do i do!?

may 20th, 2024

i woke today with news that a submission i sent had been rejected from a very prestigious poetry literary journal. they do other things, too; art and film. i really wanted this one. i submitted some prose and some poetry. both were rejected. i also found that some poetry i’d put on tik tok on a whim last night had blown-up. i think i am going to use the account as a full-time writing log. i have nothing else to do with it, and it gives me something to put the recently miserable energy into. i got ready in a rush because my mother said she’d take me to school, and it’s nicer than taking the bus. i wore lipstick, but ate it all off mostly by the end of lesson one. it’s been so dry. i ate two pieces of toast for breakfast, one with almond butter, and the other with golden-coloured jam. it tastes a lot like how i imagine marmalade probably tastes. i’ve been giving more thought to my host family situation. the house seems big, and it says i have my own room there. if things are ever bad, i am going to take their dog for a walk around the neighborhood; there are fields and fields past the house, so there will always be somewhere new for me to go. if it’s too cold, i am going to stay in bed and journal. in french, i read my book and the relief teacher got mad at me. in pod i did french, and went through some more A1 nouns and articles. i finished the list that kwiziq gave to me. at lunch, i sat with [redacted], and [redacted], who cried after signing-in at student services because she’s broken her foot, and she can’t play basketball anymore. we were all cold, and i forgot to eat my lunch. in maths, after lunch, i felt bored. i had to sit at a different table than i normally do, because somehow the whole table was full today (even though it never is), and i couldn’t see who had replaced my seat. the work we did today was very easy. in action project, i sat outside to write. i lied and said i had an assignment to do, so i got to miss the second-half of the pitch presentations which was a delight. i have listened to simulation swarm by big thief about fifty times today

i went to vinnies after school and bought a vintage designer sheer delicate burgundy button-up-at-the-back while i waited for my mum to get me. since we got home, i’ve been writing in bed, waiting for her to come in and ask for help walking the dogs. i know i won’t write this later tonight if i don’t do it now. i’ve got french to do tonight, and then i might write something in my journal. i’ve had a boring day, and i feel both unsettled and stressed about the state of things. i feel uncomfortable, and not like myself. doing regular things results in me really longing for my potent abstraction from normal activities (the self i am usually). but sometimes i need to function, and i should get used to that

bankrupt busy-body

may 19th, 2024

today i did not take my medication, and i stayed indoors. i didn’t feel like leaving the house. not even to take rory out. i simply lay around and re-watched old episodes of tv shows i’ve had previous obsessions with. i didn’t feel sorry for myself, but i felt pretty down about the state of things. i didn’t listen to any music today. and i felt bad being on my phone. my lips were dry and i did not get up to put vaseline on them, even though it was in the bed-side drawer right beside me. i just felt very pitiless. no energy for anything severe. i did do maths homework for an hour in the afternoon, which was good of me. i finished it all today. but i did no french. and i ate a lot even when i wasn’t hungry. because i did not have any proper meals. i lay in a position today that i will attempt to describe. i was horizontal on the bed with my ear to my pillow, and my knees pulled up to my chest, and i had my laptop also on it’s side and the keyboard right up beneath my chin so that the screen was merely inches away. i had the rest of my gum (what was left in the packet)

maybe this was what i can only describe to you as unfortunate. i’ve recently taken a turn away from the important things in my life, because the constant reminder feels too difficult. why should i remind myself to continue striving for happiness? why should i at all? the world doesn’t devastate me but life does. i can’t find belief in anything most days except for myself, and should i be righteously self-absorbed? should i pretend my superiority is not? is it anyway? what measures what? i’ve been laying horizontal but i feel vertical. the system i have in place to decide where i am is one of feeling. i tell myself this, but is it only illogical to represent one side of the equation? is it illogical to side with prosperity? and should i side with the poverty, the stark nakedness of misery, the side of saturn where the ring is a blade? is it a blade everywhere? the only truth to me is the ugly — but what a disgusting way to live. only seeing the deficiency and want; searching for reason behind hunger rather than accepting starvation as a part of life and cause of natural death. my goal for so long has been seeing the lack-there-of joy to create more. i have accepted a long time ago i will never eliminate the side of the wall i am on; the one of distress and necessity, but with work i am able to build a great ladder and sit on the fence, and take in both sides. does this ever happen? could this be possible for me? how do i do it, when i feel so miserable so often? it often feels like my work has me bankrupt

a detailed account of life lived in desperation

may 18th, 2024

i have felt very spent lately. i talked to my friend about it, but there isn’t so much i have to say. other than i know that it’s winter, and the dryness is making me unpleasant to be around. i get so upset when i’m disagreeable. all i want is to be nice. i think. today i woke and rolled out of bed late and sent [redacted] home. i cleaned my room and lit my candle and i returned to civility mostly. but i was plain and boring. i got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror, and i did homework for hours. french and maths. not much maths. too much french. i decided to go to the city and buy books. before i left, i washed my face and put bright lipstick on and oils in my hair. i sprayed perfume on my neck and wore a billowy blouse and a black -pleased mini-skirt that i normally wear to work. i bought four books at the store, but i felt very awkward walking around (more than usual) and i felt like everybody was staring at me. i didn’t bring a big enough bag, so i had to carry my books home underneath my arm. i started reading one of them on the bus back. the edible woman by margaret atwood. so far, it’s boring. but marget atwood wrote in her introduction that she wrote it with a strange fascination in symbolic cannibalism, specifically with women, and at some point the main character falls in love and cannot eat anything. i am waiting for that to come up. when i came home i undressed and ate at the kitchen table, little things. then i did more homework, and lay on the bed with my laptop. i felt very gloomy in the evening, when theo made us dinner. he gave me a glass of vodka with tropical punch juice. we finished uncut gems from ages ago. i thought about tomorrow, and i meditated with a cup of tea on my floor, then i cried real hard. i lay on the bed and listened to billie eilish’s new album. i replayed a few songs a couple of times, then i wrote in my journal and terrorized myself. i took my old razor and dragged it along the inside of my thigh a couple of times, but i didn’t much feel like it, and actually it bored me a little bit. i enjoyed looking into the mirror after, and then i collapsed onto my bed and sent [redacted] several messages

the rest of life is going to endure the rest of me

may 17th, 2024

[redacted] is asleep and i’ve woken up in the middle of the night. i planned to write tomorrow morning, but i’m seizing the opportunity now. my brain is on. i’ve felt bad all day, really. things have become dull and tedious again, but i am doing much better at pretending not to worry so much. except last night, after my mum and i watched tv, i went to my bedroom and planned to write, but instead i couldn’t stop staring at the wooden frame of my fireplace and wondering who will live in my house next, and not know that i stared at the same spot on the wall as them? i want that kind of thing to matter so much. i get very hung up on it. what you think seems to not be very real, actually. when you can’t say the things out loud the room is very quiet but i am always bursting. recently i haven’t been. recently i’ve just simply been sad. today i wandered around the hallways looking for a place to sit down and breathe but there were none. the world is just never empty. everybody is always alive. time is always continuing. i am lying to you now, because what made me cry last night and what is making me cry so intrinsically and violently recently is death. it is a topic so over-done and apparently not worth thinking about that my mind has avoided it my whole life, but now it’s causing me to go into bouts of great hysteria, almost. i am so full of dread. i wrote once that life is a waiting room for death (which of course i’m sure has already been written, but that’s besides the point), but that can’t be true. some people think the opposite of life. but i simply don’t have faith in life. [redacted] who is sleeping beside me sent me a message today that was simply “i just feel like nothing matters”. we’ve been playing trouble in my backyard all night, drinking big glasses of water and watching movies, and it’s put her to sleep. again, how could it be that that doesn’t matter? that beauty and attentiveness is so easily put aside, and that difficult things are so disturbing we won’t speak about it, and so we let the fear build? everything is backwards. doing french at the kitchen table and drawing until midnight is not going to get me out of this mess, so how does it ease it? nothing i can do can ever be worthy of the absurdity that is my being here, so how do i compete for what we won’t know forever, but is my eternity?

that's one dream

may 16th, 2024

i got my host family today! just this morning. i didn’t ever consider how truly kind of weird this whole process is - it’s really like i’m being adopted. they (the parents) are only thirty-six. there are two children, a boy who is nine, and a girl who is six. i want so badly for them to like me! it seems they had to have liked me just a little bit to choose me. i had the day off today, too, for parent-teacher conferences, and to talk about my eif identity product. so for the rest of the day, i did homework, for french and action project, and i’ve been laying in bed freaking out about the whole thing. i could tell you a lot, but i figure you don’t really care. when have i ever cared about you caring, though? you read it, anyway! i sent [redacted] a few emails back to communicate, and i am downloading whatsapp again so things are quicker, but i’m actually a little nervous. i am entirely at their disposal. to think last night i dreamed of death! they seem to live in the middle of nowhere, in a tiny town that is at the very top of france, and close to germany

i called [redacted] this morning when i found out, and we talked about how when she’s over in her small german town, because it will be at the same time, we could meet up somewhere. we called for an hour, and i ate breakfast. it was a sesame seed bagel with almond-butter. i watched [redacted] squeeze oranges into a glass, then i showered and washed my hair, even though it’s the wrong day for it; it felt too gross not to wash. then i sat down and did homework for the rest of the day. after i finish writing, mum and i are going to start the new season of bridgerton with the pizza we ordered from up the road and then i am going to crawl quietly into bed and read something for the first time in a little under a week. mum went into the school today to deliver one of her workshops for the year twelve mentors, and she had quite a few of my teachers. she said that after she’d given a speech about self-care, when she was leaving, she saw my maths teacher sitting outside on the oval looking up at the sky

maybe what i am looking for is a u2 song

may 15th, 2024

i feel very unexcited about things going on in my life right now. i don’t know what is causing me exactly to feel this way, but i have an inkling it has something to do with [redacted]. and why have i still not found what i am looking for? the short answer to this question is because i am fifteen, and i don’t even know life yet. but i’m trying really hard to keep myself awake. i mean, look at me. have you seen me? i think about things. i write them down. i try to do my best. i wake up and i get up. i go to bed and i fall asleep. i shower and i don’t let the water run for too long. i brush my teeth for two minutes in the morning and two minutes in the evening. i do things on impulse and i act with integrity. i am independent but i know who i love. but i still haven’t found what i’m looking for. and i need to play that song, so i will. i almost want to cry. do you know when you want to turn away from the page in your book and let a deep sigh out into the pillow just to feel that exploding warmth all through your face? then turn back and find you’ve let go of the book? and i am waiting one day to dust the blades on my fan, and to not look at my phone every chance i get. i just can’t look at her without feeling gut-wrenching pain in my chest. it would help if we could be in the same room together without the sounds of other people going by, and it would be helpful if we could relax into the silence, instead of telling ourselves to relax. it would be okay one day if maybe i didn’t cry when she started to, or felt happy only when she was. if i blink now i am going to start a new fresh life where i don’t need to worry about things like the clothes thrown into a pile on the chair in the corner of my bedroom, or why i always felt so nauseous

everyone has been making me feel angry. everybody is such a fool. do you not have any self-respect? looking at me for the answer? looking at me to tell you what you’re trying to give? if i knew, i’d probably have left by now anyway. everybody is making mistakes. and i fucking hate it. it’s not humbling. it’s not amusing. it’s not an experience at all. because the mistakes are basic. they are mistakes i made when i was ten and a half. i feel like screaming at people all the time. in my last lesson today, i almost had a nervous breakdown, because i forget often that some people don’t have the skills to write a script for a fucking pitch about food waste. i have to re-write the script and edit the slides and put in extra work now for people that i could not give less of a shit about, so that they reap the benefits. it’s not like action project means anything to me, anyway. if i pass or don’t, it doesn’t matter. what matters is that they can’t write a script, and that they have indecently low communication skills between the two of them. it’s disgusting. yes! that’s it. i’ve been walking around and feeling disgusted by people, even the ones i like. what is this phenomenon? and why can some people not do anything by themselves? have i been sheltered from such vile people all my life, and so i am only now discovering them? i feel as if i’ve come up from under a rock. i am seeing some people as they really are; deserving of kindness but not deserving of any respect. i want to quite smoking, but i don’t want to quit doing weed. this is all so mundane and so pointless. what do i do? what do i do? where do i go to? is there something i’m missing anyway? what have i done if not tried to combat this feeling all my life? it’s not nice or ugly. it’s nowhere in between. and it’s not worth feeling

if you have cancer, i’m going to fucking kill you

may 14th, 2024

language of the present-future

may 13th, 2024

i'm on my bedroom floor and i had a bad day. my favourite colour is green and yours is i don't know what. i'm a little high, and i am eating the sandwich that i didn't eat at lunch. but i want to do a good job at recounting today's events. i woke up late, and had to rush to wash my hair. it's something i don't even really remember doing. and i didn't have much time to look at myself naked in the mirror this morning, which messed up the whole day maybe. monday i save for physical self-actualization. i am body dysmorphia's worst nightmare. i could draw my body perfectly without using a reference, probably even with a concussion. if i shut my eyes right now and thought real hard i might be able to think of all the worst and best places. i know where needs to be put to rest (my upper-arms, my cheeks, my neck), where's just okay (my ribs, my hands and wrists, and my lips), and where i love more than anything else (my eyes, my breasts, and my legs). i put on my uniform and got breakfast, then mum drove me to school. a teacher gave me a late slip, which apparently i needed to hand in to the pod at lunch and stay there, but i ripped it up and put it in the bin as i walked away instead. i had action project and felt so sorry for myself, so i read a little bit. i talked to [redacted] about her sixteenth party at recess. it sounds exciting. i am going to get very drunk before, though. parties make me so fucking anxious for no reason, and i don't want to ruin it for her. i had maths after. it was such a long lesson, and there was a lot of content. but i got it. i hate that i can never grasp concepts that easily. i can't just see something and know what to do, like i need to really practice before i understand and can apply it. and at lunch i felt miserable talking to [redacted]. she's not a bad person at all, but we are both so self-centered and... i don't think we really care about each other that much. i think we're both so self-reliant and we are not in any way dependent on each other that it makes it hard for us to be level and grounded when we talk. i'm not explaining this right, but basically there is a thread missing between us. in science we did a practical experiment. i love my teacher so much. and french was actually good today, which was surprising, because, you know... but! now i'm high, and all my candles are lit. everything's better now, because it's taken care of, and i don't need to be uncomfortable or think too hard about tomorrow. i just need to rest, and then i'll be good again

can you see me? across the room? i made a video that i want you to see, but i won't put it anywhere. i swear. let's have a staring contest until we start to see eye-to-eye. where's our blunt we'll never share? have you met my daughter yet? did you ever have one like we said? did you ever find me lying face-down in the bathroom at the party, and did you need to take me home? did i ever get tired of being treated like a commodity? i'm getting tired of writing. does this mean i'm bad at it? do i do something else with my life? with what? out of what? who is going to stand at the door and wait for me to decide except for my silhouette in the mirror, or my shirt pulled up and the water running? who is going to say it like i do? like all the people that could say it better, if only they knew the language

mother's day

may 12th, 2024

worked all day today. 7:45am until 4pm. i thought it wouldn't end but it always does. my hair was okay today, and i did my makeup as extra protection. i said some embarrassing things on my shift, but i made all the mistakes i thought i would (that i do every time). at least i can normally run away to the back. there's someone at my work who i want to hit with a frying pan. she's nice enough though. on my break i texted [redacted] to see if we could hang out, but after work she said no, because she had too much homework. i lay in bed watching desperate housewives until the evening instead. theo made pina coladas, and dad made steak. i don't remember what we talked about. mum and i went to watch mother's day but we had to stop because the script was so bad. i decided to go back to my room and play the sims, because i rarely do anymore. i have nothing to read that i'm excited about reading. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i'm too tired, and i don't want to see anyone

drunk and crying again

may 11th, 2024

my dad tells me what to do if and when he gets dementia; when he starts to forget me and himself. i cry about my dreams alone on the floor. all of the big ones, when i walk down the street clutching my dog's long blue lead in the dark, i can imagine coming home truthful. when i watch mum in the lounge-room on the brown leather couch as she does not meet my eyes i just can't help but be madly in love with her. when rory and i lay horizontal on the bed together and i spoon her, kiss the back of her furry head i have never been more close to tears. it is hard and i lay in bed because it is so hard; so hard i don't want to see anything that might make me happy. but you get home and we drink on the front porch 'til we're drunk and i'm screaming at you about the doritos we don't have, until i cry into my palms because i can't take it anymore. the good or the bad. bed-rest and patting my own head, returning for dinner to drink more red wine. i don't remember. i don't remember. we talk about things; we watch her. she won't. she won't. do we actually say anything at all?

turns out i don’t have all that much to say

may 10th, 2024

today i skip the final two lessons of school to get high and a little drunk with my childhood best friend in my bedroom and we play five games of uno together; i win most of them. i get properly drunk that night with my dad and while we walk the dogs i tell him about the girl i have a sudden crush on when we are far away. we go out to dinner with my brother and have more red wine and some thai food. we talk about the war. my dad says “thank you”. today i feel worried about what’s to come and who i am going to be, because everybody seems to bore me lately

i would rather die than admit to any beauty

may 9th, 2024

what a complicated day. once you hear about all the people i’ve been in a matter of ten hours you will understand why i’m so frightened and delighted with and by myself. it’s the afternoon now, and i’m at the dining table with all my homework beside me, and a whole lot of other things to do. rory is at my feet, telling me it’s time for dinner and a walk. i have promised her that in fifteen minutes i will get her some food. all of my entries turn into love letters to myself and to you, to you is a matter of great importance, for i’m not sure i know who is listening most or any of the time. you is to me, transcendent and dying me, and to you is to you. i speak for every self in the world when i say that you know a great deal who you are. i am just trying to get your attention, when i say that i want you to understand; my life is no bigger tragedy than i make it out to be be seen as. i am writing with as much neutrality as i can bear. bare? without going mad

i was late to school and did maths and french in pod beside [redacted], who tells us every time we are there that she is going to drop out as soon as she can, and work full-time. i hope she doesn’t do that. she is ridiculously smart. but that is not my choice to make. for french i practiced memorizing prepositions of place. i’ve forgotten how to memorize ever since i stopped doing acting, so it’s been a bit of a struggle. rory is so hungry; i wish you could see her. i can’t keep giving her dinner this early, though. at recess, i ran into [redacted] and he tried to pick my lock, because i got a blue-lock on my locker (somebody stole my lock last term and i still haven’t found it). my school does it as a punishment every so often for not having a lock on your locker, which seems a bit counter-intuitive for some reason, but oh well. he couldn’t do it, so i ended up just putting my things in [redacted]’s locker, and i’ll sort it out tomorrow. after break, i went to leap. everyone worked on their mind-maps for eif, but i’d already finished, so i started on my identity product. i just stole an old self-interested poem i wrote a few months ago and put it in there. then in the transition to science, i began down a philosophical and nihilistic youtube rabbit-hole. i started with a video of a man talking about how it feels to approach death. he says that there is no reason for it, and there is no logic to comfort you. i watched a couple of videos on self-awareness, a man who wrote the book of disquiet, and dostoevsky’s life. i had to go outside to reconnect with nature, and here is a short bit of prose or something i wrote while i was out on the oval doing so;

i go outside to see the beauty of life but it is too bright for me to see. i squint my eyes and try to be just enough to feel everything you spoke of. i felt you in the dark. it was just us. you asked for me to consider and you would hear of it all later on. but i know you didn’t mean it. the air is dry here. but still? to die instead of breathe. i don’t think i could decide. when will the bomb come? when will you know what i am? when is it going to be over, and what was that like for you? how much longer will i be sub-man? subjected to oblivion. i am looking for everything in the threads of being, but it seems to unravel just before i can quite grasp it. i am losing all purpose beneath thought. have i been doing it wrong?

[redacted] and i hung out at lunch, after i left science and took a break from my mini existential crisis. i gave her half my sandwich and we imagined about the young girls in front of us. we have decided we will learn to clone ourselves one day, so our friendship can live forever, and so that we will have two equally cool people to hang out with every day. it’s a lonely existence when you’re so much in favor of one person. why would i talk to anyone else? i know they won’t get it like [redacted] will. an unfortunate blessing, a fortunate curse? the latter sounds more right. we were going to our classes, but decided it would be more fun to sit down in front of [redacted]’s locker and talk to each other. that’s what we did. we sat crossed-legged over the top of each other’s thighs and laughed so hard we collapsed in a choking pile. then i went to well-being and had a heated debate with one of the counselor’s about the existence of god. jesus christ, i cannot talk to to christian people without feeling aggravated. i don’t know what it is about this specific religion that gets people so riled-up. everything is “a hypothetical” with christians, because when you ask an intelligent and thought-out question that they don’t have the answer to, they revert to something stupid and unrealistic. anyway. she had to leave early for a doctor’s appointment, so it wasn’t much of a chat. i went to english and started reading helen keller’s autobiography. but the environment was wrong, and i felt hateful, so i left the classroom and went to [redacted]’s class instead. she was in the middle of a mental breakdown, so i sat down on her chair and watched her class with her. there are so few pleasures in life, but watching her teach is one of them. the desire i have to express to you who [redacted] is and the immense beauty she brings to my life is something i can’t ever explain. if you knew her, and if you really wanted her to know you, you’d get it. there is something so tangible about her that other people don’t have. when her class finished, one of her student’s came up to me to say, “i wanted to tell you that i think you’re really pretty, and i love your hair.” i didn’t know what to do, so i gave her a hug and thanked her, and i asked her a few questions about herself. i told her to come up to me in the hallway any time. then i stayed and talked to [redacted] for our weekly after-school chat. i wish i could understand it myself. i wish so much. i want to tell her so much. and you so much, because i know you’ll be reading this someday soon enough. so i want to tell you that i know about you

i know that you cry because you are so in love with the world; i cry because i am there to witness it. once upon a time this joy has been lost on us, but here it exists and it has so much to give. we give belonging a new name in this classroom. i have never before seen someone cry with such euphoria. “i feel fucking crazy,” you say, but i can’t help but smile when your eyes go red. i know you’re not! now, i know it. you’re not. you’re just more human than me. than anyone could know. please, show us all. you cry because i tell you that i think you will be a good mother. you cry harder because you agree with me. i want to see you like this forever. just you and me, stripped of all our rights to hate any more goodness. infinite love, in possibility there is. you tell me, “this is the best kind of tired”. i want to believe it. the kind of tired that comes from you. i want to believe we are here, and i can make you breathe like you deserve to. you do, you do, you do. don’t you? your madness is beautiful. i am inspired. we get lost in each other again. how i love you at all times, at any cost; despite the spite of still being strong enough to look at each other without folding in. can happiness last forever? can i hold onto this moment and make it last just a few more minutes, even? will i announce inevitability like it’s a folklore; have you seen me yet? dressed-up in the pub telling you that “dreams really do come true”. have you known me before birth? and i you? love can spill out overnight; i feel it soaking the sheets. in i with you, bliss ignites deep inside trapped airways. could i breathe without knowing your pressure? your firm gaze? your consciousness and affection? no. no, not any longer

another day of trying to try

may 8th, 2024

i am happy [redacted] slept over last night. i was surprised that she wanted to. the power was out this morning and the bus i take to school wasn’t running because of a crash on that road, so we had to walk to school, and we were late. but it was okay. we lay in bed and listened to gratitude meditations, then listened to kate bush in the bathroom when we put on our makeup. i nearly forgot to take my meds. we also met [redacted] in the morning, too, because she didn’t have a lesson. [redacted] forgot her test this morning, so she had to retake it in the pod. i powered through action project and at recess i found [redacted] again so i could catch her up about my thoughts in the previous hour. we also got to talk to [redacted] about me going on exchange, and him and [redacted] going to europe later in the year. he is incredibly bubbly and extraverted and it baffles me that he is friends with who he is friends with. i had maths, got some homework, which is fine. it seems easy and i’m going to do it after i publish this. at lunch i nearly had a nervous breakdown in front of [redacted], who is stressed enough as it is, but i complained to her about the situation with [redacted], and how i feel pretty awful and delusional but also my savior complex is taking form at a new angle. had french. recovered a bit. bro, i don’t know. there’s something in the air. i got an anxiety rash all over the left side of my face just sitting in that class. i feel so physically sick about not being able to help her in any way. what do you do when all you want is for a person to be happy, because they literally deserve it more than anybody else in the entire world, but they don’t make themselves happy? like, what can i do to show them that i think they’re deserving of an unattainable amount of love? because i try, but it never seems to work. let me know when you figure it out. we got into our oral test revision, so i should start some of that tonight as well. in science i got lazy and did some more of the work that i could’ve saved for later so that i didn’t need to pay attention to science, and it was kind of a viable excuse as well. i hung out with [redacted] after school and we went to the otr and got slushies while she waited for her mum. i thought i could outsmart the buses and the literal fucking roadwork so i wasted an hour of my life trying to get two buses that never came, getting on the third bus, not listening to the driver when he said he’d need to re-direct us straight to the city and off the regular route, freaked out when we diverted, and had to get another different bus home from the city. so, an hour gone. i’m just happy my headphones didn’t die. i don’t know about today. this morning i felt boring, and as if i needed to do something a bit out there so i didn’t feel so normal; i just felt unsurprising. and i hate that. i still kind of feel like that. i wrote a poem before though, and i think it’s kind of okay. i feel discouraged from writing online lately any more than this. i think i’m going to get drunk and do my french homework now

we used to know each other

may 7th, 2024

today has made me realize that life is going to be both extraordinarily painful and prolonged for me, but i am special enough to make the pain pleasurable. let me explain to you the three things i’ve experienced from today that factored together mean that this is true

number one: at lunch today nobody showed up to the club. [redacted] ate her sandwich and stole me chocolates from two different rooms. and in the hallway outside [redacted]’s office i realized that i am never going to become her as long as i have her in my life. it’s a lie that you turn into the people you love. you turn into the manifestation of all their best parts, and it means that you can see their worse bits a little better. that’s okay. it makes them brighter, and you love that about them. but it’s okay to feel hateful sometimes. i know that i love her with every little thing inside me i am capable of exposing, and i know she does too, and i know we show each other, but i know that also sometimes being with her makes me feel physically ill because we’re face-to-face with what we should and shouldn’t be. and you should never look in the mirror that long. the reason i want her to be so happy is because i want to believe i could be happy, too. sometimes i don’t understand her. but she doesn’t understand me either. we don’t want to, because we’re so alike it would be agony to tell any real truths about ourselves to ourselves. it’s why we lie to each other all the time. it’s why at the door she apologizes and insists i am going to be okay, and she tells me she loves me, and it’s why at the door i have to walk away. this is factor one from today, because as long as i know this to be true, i am going to have her in my life for a very long time, and the absolute joy and strangeness of it is going to nearly kill me. but without her i will die too, and in any case, in much more pain

number two: i had equip after school for an hour. i don’t know what else to say about it other than the fact that it’s nothing like what i had in mind. i don’t really know what i imagined anyway, but it wasn’t that. it’s not bad. it seems positive. but i felt ashamed and this bring me to point two, that i am never going to belong anywhere to a large network that is already made. i mean by this a clique that has already been invented, or a system in society that i do not actively strive to remove myself from / participate in. my life is going to be a series of efforts to be who i need to be to go where i want to go, and i can do that, because it turns out i am ridiculously special. i had this idea that going to equip would be some kind of fairytale where i would meet at least one person who understood me, and who made me feel like i belonged. i hoped it wouldn’t be what it was. i have never been in a room of only neurodivergent people until today. the thing is that i can’t remember fitting in anywhere. the people i have access to, who want to be my friends, who could probably fit in somewhere for me, are not people i’m interested in; they are ordinary, spineless, appropriate, and measured. i thought coming to this group would be an awakening - “oh! these are my people” - but definitely not. it was not that. it only made me realize even more that i’m different. compared to lots of people i don’t have any problems. compared to the ordinary people in my life i am almost to much of a problem-zone to go near. it’s confusing and i don’t know where to sit at my own table. do i have too much of something or not enough? who wants me to kneel in front of their chair so they can play with my hair? who is so hideous i am enticed by them? this is factor two from today, because as i mentioned before, i’ve discovered i have something unusual. even if it’s not a talent or a craft, it’s a person inside of me who is going to stop at nothing to get me where i want to go

number three: life is going to be long and joyless for the most part; i will need to find people and things to indulge in and stay alive for. i have realized this from factor three; the car-ride home from the psychiatrist. i refuse to be a person on the street. i am going to refuse to behave for somebody else’s liking, because it serves nobody. i am going to be polite, but i am also going to be violent. i am going to be unserious, but i am also going be honest. i realized that i don’t want to say or do what people want from me. like, that i actually don’t want to do that, and that there is no tutorial or method for how to get there. sometimes people care, and sometimes they don’t. i care a lot, but not about this; not about being honest. i am a liar but i will tell the truth when it matters most. i have never looked someone in the eye and felt the need to hurt them, but i am a child, and i make mistakes. but they are not unreasonable. and they are never on purpose. this thinking makes me depressed, but it also makes me clever, and gives me the ability to break the self-insisted rules i know exist for me, but that are not necessary. since i know i am honest, i can lie sometimes. since i know i am kind, i can be hurtful sometimes. my actions i take responsibility for, because my intentions are only temporary and get lost along the way, but i am going to try and be sensible and sensitive

why am i telling you all this? because i want to believe that anything i got out from this day was worth something. i nearly lost my mind several times and i can’t dance with insanity just to stay silent on any kind of potential self-improvement. all i mean is that i want to be of use to you and to feed you now so that one day when you’re dying you won’t frown at me for not being a better person, because i really did try, [redacted]

sorting my life out / ignoring my overall state of being

may 6th, 2024

i am noticing more and more that i don’t breathe in the hallways at school. i get to my next class and i’m like fully heaving for air, and it’s not that i walk fast; i just literally am forgetting to breathe. my predictions were right - three of my nails have already broken so the gel is all fucked up. i just finished washing my hair, but i wore a beanie to walk the dogs so now the ends of my hair is dry and the top is flat and wet. i look like an old science professor who has such oily hair that it sort of always looks sopping wet at the top, and is in a mad outward frizz at the bottom. i did a lot of work at school today, even though i wasn’t feeling like being there and i came into the day dreading it. i was going to wake up early today, like i always do on mondays, to wash my hair. it’s my once a week hair-wash day. but i slept in too late and couldn’t, so i had to throw on my clothes and wash my face, do my makeup haphazardly and scoff breakfast. mum drove me to school which was nice of her. she’s not going to be here all week. she is in new castle visiting my nana. we went to get my birth control script at the pharmacy before school started today, and then i hugged her in the car and went to mentor group. boy was it awkward after the sleepover on friday. all i could think about was everyone in their pyjamas, in the opposite of a perverted and erotic way. just in a rather sad and unfortunate way. [redacted] wasn’t there for french today, and neither was [redacted], so we had the mean-looking kind of dubious greek relief teacher who has a bad french accent and thinks she’s fluent, and my table only had [redacted] on it. which was fine. i felt pretty done, though. there’s no point coming to french when [redacted] isn’t teaching. i did both things left for us to do, a translation task and a writing formative. after recess i had pod, and i did my eif mindmap, eif stands for exploring identities and futures, which is a leap thing, compulsory for sace. you have to complete it or else you don’t pass. it’s easy stuff, though. i just had to write about my values, my dreams, my career goals, my past, present, and future self, and connect it to my learning at school. the kind of thing the school loves to do. “yes, yes, you’re an extraordinary person who has achieved so much and likely will go on to do incredible things, but why do you like [redacted] high school?” it’s good, though. i have fun doing that sort of thing

at lunch i was hanging out with [redacted] when [redacted] came over to us kind of stumbling, and she told us she didn’t feel well. i immediately remembered her before asking me for a pad. she’s got endo, so i was pretty worried. she told me she’d forgotten to take her pill the night before. me and [redacted] took her to well-being, which was beneficial because i got to show [redacted] how useless the lady at the front desk was. i told her i needed to bring my friend in, because she’s got endo — she’s in a lot of pain, is what i was saying, and she just stares at me dumbfoundedly, blinks a couple times. i say, “so, can we have a room?” and then asked for a cup of ice. when i was self-harming they told me to use ice because it’s a strong sensation, so i was trying to be helpful and get her something to distract from the pain. the front desk lady stares at me after i’ve been going on for multiple seconds explaining and goes, “i can’t hear you. so many noises around,” and makes no effort to lean forward and listen. at this point i was pretty fed up and just said “A. CUP. OF. ICE. THANK YOU.” and showed [redacted] into well-being myself. we calmed her down a bit, but she was crying and in a lot of pain still. we managed to get her to call her mum. she signed out at student services and got in an uber home. i went to my new maths class! pre-methods. but i felt like the smartest person in there. i was so worried i wouldn’t understand the content. i was nodding my head the whole time. it felt like we did nothing the whole lesson. in fact, i was bored. some kid in the class was taking the piss and getting our poor teacher to explain really basic content that he already understood so that we wouldn’t move on from the topic. i fucking hate people like that. my last class was action project. i had nothing to do, so i coded some of the archive and watched some youtube videos. the girl beside me was trying to catch a glimpse at what i was editing; some old entries. as much as i love that this is anonymous, sometimes i feel lonely not being able to talk about how much time and effort i put into this. i took the bus home and found a dead cockroach on my bed, which was a nice surprise. i got rid of it, and as i already mentioned, took a shower, washed my hair. i wrote for about thirty minutes, then i gave the dogs their dinner and theo helped me to walk them. he’s got a lot on his plate at the moment and it actually makes life sound a lot easier, which is somehow nice to hear about rather than self-loathing and the “you should do more!!” kind of thing. i’ve put quiche in the oven and now i’m just waiting for my dad to get home, so i can finish my maths homework, eat, and hopefully if he lets me, have a glass of wine with him

does distraction aid recovery from accidentally foretelling one’s own fate?

may 5th, 2024

i’ve spent this weekend distracting myself from what is coming my way, what is pre-destined and not worth this time, but time is going to be up anyway, and i have to do something; i am choosing to bite my tongue and hope for the best. something that’s not even worth giving the time of day over but that i dread. all is pointless when you live inside yourself so thoroughly, but i worry there is no other way for me to live now that i’ve seen this side. how can i ever go back to negligence and the failure to observe? i worry over things nobody else cares about; things that objectively don’t matter. not like the women in my family worry, either. it is not excessive, but it is always there as a fallback thought option. i don’t want anyone to talk to me when i get like this, but i need the distraction of another audience and voice. that day is approaching faster than ever. am i letting go a little or am i so persistent that i would never know anyway? my eyes are tilted behind me, at the future, but suddenly they’ve had a change of heart; i’m wavering to what’s in front of me. the only clear past. i can’t stop thinking about what i’ve been doing to you and to everyone. love is a very mean thing. it makes you mean and generally awful and greedy and vain and twisted and all around you feels only dark but limitless the same. does what i say make sense? i can’t track what’s been going on as well as i used to. all that’s in front of me is what’s already been; i’m starting to see things as if they’re one big circle. when i shut my eyes the anxiety you told me to imagine as a ball of light in my neck is branching out and turning into a sphere that cups my skull. i have to be detached to tell you all this or i might go crazy. i am losing the thread. i am undoing my good work. i am making room for something better; something more hideous but better nonetheless. sometimes i feel as if i only exist to hear you call me by my childhood nickname and to imagine your voice when i cannot sleep; can this also be already known? it must be. somehow everything i’m just finding out to be true has always been breathing beneath my lying living body. i am worried i’ll grow out instead of up. and i am worried i will see you at the door in twenty years and still remember exactly who you are

sleePOVer at school. isn’t everything the coolest shade right now?

may 4th, 2024

woke up at school today. forgot to include that in the last entry. that’s what i did after i wrote that; packed my things and headed to school to sleep-over with my mentor group. felt like a joke, lying there this morning. [redacted] got cold in the morning, and we ate breakfast downstairs with everyone. [redacted] and i stood outside while i waited for my mum to get me, and we smoked a bit. she got very high from just a little bit of weed, and i was pretty concerned about leaving her to walk home, but somehow she got home fine. took a shower. felt shitty about yesterday. i was just awful. i feel just awful about it. i can’t even tell the days apart anymore. i want to forget about it; will you please forgive me please please please? i feel so terrible about it. i can’t even think without feeling nauseous. after the shower, i unpacked my things, then packed my bags for aldinga. mum and i decided to go, because we’ve got nothing on. dad was going to come too, but he has an event for work that means he drinks a lot of wine, so he’s staying to do that instead. to that i say fair enough. i really have to do my homework this weekend so it doesn’t pile up, but i know it will. i know i won’t do it. somehow i always get it done. i never get in trouble for not submitting; i never have. anyway. i went to the dentist, as well. the lady was pretty nice; she says i have perfect teeth. she also polished the chip in my front tooth off, because it was a little rough at the corner. it feels slightly better now under my tongue, but also just weird. i want it gone. there’s no point getting a filling. mum made polite conversation with the desk lady. nobody uses checks anymore. they both remember learning how to cash a check and so i watch them laugh about it

on the way home i felt really bad. almost as if i’d vomit. i came home and felt sorry for myself, lay down on my bed for a bit. mum and dad needed help bathing the dogs, so i bathed rory and took her out after. mum and i left pretty immediately after that, and i played her rise and fall of a mid-west princess by chappell roan, which she thought was awesome. it kept us very nourished for the car-ride. since we arrived i’ve been editing this archive and scrolling social media in attempt to distract from yesterday. soon mum and i are going to go out and look at the sunset, and then light a fire and watch something on tv. we’ve bought curry for dinner. i can’t imagine i’ll stay up late tonight, but if i do, it’ll be to write

the day i got so angry i singed someone else's skin (your skin)

may 3rd, 2024

things have been a little dark today. somehow i always find myself cyclical. i wish i had all the answers. i cried today about how i treat other people, but at the time i thought i was crying about how other people treat me. i was very anxious in class today and exploded in my last lesson. i upset someone i care about. in case she ever ends up reading this

this is what i meant to tell you today... i'm sorry for giving you that mean look when i left, when you were being so kind to me. i had to leave because your kindness gave me an allergic reaction, and otherwise i would have cried in front of you. i know that's okay, because you see me cry a lot, and i like to be vulnerable in front of you, but i felt as if i needed to be the bigger person today. but leaving just made things worse anyway. i should have stayed and talked. we both would have felt better. instead i behaved like an idiot. i tried to find you after to tell you how truly sorry i am for being such a cunt and for being anti-social and ignorant of your attempts to be inviting, but you weren't where i thought you'd be. i cried in your chair and picked up things that had fallen. i tried to make up for the anger and the anxiety by being kind to someone else. my selflessness is selfish. i needed to go home and drink a cold glass of water and get in the bath; not be at school today in that moment. i couldn't tell you that, so i said nothing and i shut down like i always do. i bit down on my lips and worried you a lot. and i hope you're over it. i hope you don't care that i did it. i hope you don't mind that i've been evil to almost everyone all week, and i've been doing it so that last year doesn't happen again. but instead i've made a monster of myself. i want you to know how sorry i am, and that it will happen again, because i'm growing and i'm changing and i love you. i want you to be so happy. i know i am a bad friend sometimes. i am difficult, at least. i tell you that i want you to take more time for yourself and to stop doing so much for other people, but i shove myself in your face and beg you to baby me. to please look after me. to show me love. to give and give and give. i try to give back, but sometimes i take too much all at once. i huff and puff and blow the house down. forgive me for today. i love you. i love you. i love you.

i don’t know what to do with myself when i do this to people. why can i not behave kindly almost ever? i lie about it. i need everyone to think of my otherness as a self-defense. my strangeness. why am i doing that? what does it mean? but it simply makes people worry, and think that i hate them. please never think that. i am so sorry for the way that i have treated you . if anybody knew everything i did we would never be like this; not with each other. you’d never love me like you do now. you’d never breathe me in like a sigh of relief. you could have choked me down before. i am simply the air you breathe now. but i can’t tell you how i did that. it’s too disturbing. it’s too dark and awful. you wouldn’t like to hear about it. because honestly what is disturbing is that i have forgotten. how i weighed you down and kept you to myself. i was posessive. oh, god. what have i been doing that you don’t know about? i need you all to remember me. will you please tell me about myself? will you please give me seven kisses again and tell me what each one means. is the baby dying? so the baby doesn’t die, please tell me what i mean by this; i want you as much as you possibly deserve ownership over my cravings, for it you do; yes, you do. forget about me until i am good again; it'll be another week before i smile at something pretty

smoking a blunt in the park with my long distance friend's ex-boything

may 2nd, 2024

title may be self-explanatory. i skipped first lesson with [redacted] and [redacted] to go to mcdonalds, which was actually so fine. i learnt a lot about [redacted], in particular. we are kind of similar, but also polar opposite. i think i made good impressions, but i never know what to do when i’m with people like that. we went to the park after though and [redacted] basically invited himself over the phone (i actually said he could come, because he said he had a blunt). but me and [redacted] got it to ourselves because the other two weren't smoking, so we caught up for a bit. i learnt he makes music. i don't listen to rap, because i hate rap music, but i think his tracks are actually pretty good from what i can tell. it's not the worst thing ever. my brother has listened to worse. we came back after recess, and i went to class. leap was good, aside from the fact i was still pretty high and zoning out every so often. i went to pod and did my maths homework. blasted through it, actually. a pod tutor helped me with it. after lunch, i went to english and art. if i’m being completely honest, i actually can’t remember that part of my day. i literally felt like i blacked-out. not that it was bad, or anything, but i just kind of was so relaxed i didn’t truly exist

on the bus home from school there was some annoying girls behind me (it wasn’t their fault, they’re just in seventh grade). they were making fun of an old guy who passed by. i dreamed of telling them to shut up, but of course i didn’t. i was tired, coming down, and pretty overall done-in after the day. i did my homework at the counter and then helped mum walk the dogs. we drank red wine in the kitchen together after, and then watched the crown. i had a weird-ass day today. a very normal one, though, oddly enough

non-monic quadratics

may 1st, 2024

it's may! and hey, i'm doomed. nothing has really been civil for a long time since i've been medicated and creatively inclined, for i've learnt the world is exciting and very alive; i also feel like a raging ball of fire that could propel itself at someone any given moment. after yesterday, i'm picking my battles. i'm explaining things. i'm giving you a little bit of myself hand-drawn. french this morning was cathartic. the classroom is my therapist's office and also my own personal hell. i can't decide anything. i am so distracted. i am trying constantly. i am being dismissed, roasted (literally, hell-like). but i always have the best time. i spent the break with [redacted], as if we hadn't caught up enough yesterday. she simple can't get enough of me. it's lovely! as i said, i'm doomed. she showed me a website for t-shirts that you can shop for based off mental illness categories. i had a nice interaction with my old english pre-service teacher. yesterday she made a strange kind of frown at me after school, but she saw me again during the break and came up to me to say, "hi; you probably thought i was frowning at you. i wasn't. i was actually going to come up to you to say hello and ask how your break was, but i was nervous, because you were talking to [redacted], so i just made a strange face at you. so know, i'm not mad at you; i just wanted to say hi." what a nice human being. i learnt [redacted]'s masters program is starting next week on tuesday, after school, and [redacted]'s little brother is gonna be there. so, that's kind of interesting. i had maths. they messed up my timetable, and the classes haven't changed yet - so i had to talk to someone about that. i needed to stay in my old class for this maths lesson, but they'll have moved me to methods by next lesson this week. i just did the mathsonline homework i haven't finished yet and got [redacted], the nice pod tutor, to help me out with a few things

at lunch, [redacted] brought us a picnic! what a nice word. picnic. it was fresh bread with cinammon and butter, a kiwi each, and french early grey tea. i've told her that i feel like i am learning to be around people in a way i haven't before, and that i can't tell if i'm becoming awful or if this is simply what happens when you shed old skin. i expect it's some kind of horrible mix. my last two lessons were art and action project. art has been treating me fine, and i made a break-through with my teacher! she is particularly inspirational, but i've tried explaining before that she is very self-sustaining and avoidant. i think she prefers boys. but today she seemed to think i was very smart and knew some things. i won't elaborate or it might destroy the image for me. and in action project, i carried! my team. on my back, i mean. i got us started on the pitch and everything. and we worked pretty well. i can't wait for it to end. god, it's such a terrible class. so fucking useless to me; i don't have the words. got the bus home. went to an op-shop and absolutely scored. i got two blouses; one is very thin from laura ashley, and the other is a bit more dressy. it's checkered black and white, and has a sinched waist, then it comes out like a bit of a skirt-thing beneath the ribs, so it brings me in and then out. i'll probably wear it a lot. but the grand-prize of them all is a red velvet dress-coat that i can ony describe as the kind of thing victorian children wore over their dresses in the cold winter weather. it's a child's size, but i manage to fit just fine. it looks lovely. and best of all, it had a few marks on it, so the op-shop volunteer reduced the price and gave it to me for only $5. it should be $60, honestly. and she gave me a book for free! de profundis by oscar wilde. mum was at her friend's house a few blocks away from our home when i started walking, so i came by and showed them my clothes. we talked about gold jewelry superiority and they finished glasses of white wine

in the evening i've been lonely and depressive and partly it's from extreme dehydration but mostly it's just from homework. i've managed to round up a shocking amount of homework from just two days in that ridiculous building. mostly it's the maths that's been knocking me down; i want to be good at maths but it takes so much time and effort for me. i can never understand it just as it is. i always need tricks and tools to help me comprehend what's even going on. but also french is rather exhaustive. it's a lot of cognitive overload, and like i've mentioned before, i feel bad that i am learning such basic grammar structures over and over again. of course it's the foundation of their language. i wouldn't be able to advance without it, but it's also a little discouraging. i've got art homework tonight, too, and the fact this archive isn't the way i want it to look is bothering me a lot. i need to find time to do all of the things that matter, but i'm so bad at instantaneously working them out, and planning of values is foolish. so maybe i'll never get anywhere. maybe i will stay rocking back and forth in a desk chair wondering what non-monic quadratics are